MANIPULATION 😵‍

THE DISEASE OF OUR TIME?

“When you're surrounded by a world of constant lies, manipulation, and deceit, that dark energy is bound to seep into you eventually.” — Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman

It is quite bizarre how often I have been confronted with people talking about how they have been manipulated lately and how they believe they now see through that manipulation and will never let it happen again. It makes me giggle sometimes and at other times it is just sad.

Firstly it must be said that we can ALL be manipulated in one way or the other. Sometimes we may even notice it and most times we are completely oblivious that it is even happening.

Secondly, everyone has used manipulation at some point in time, and this is usually to get something of value. However, most people feel guilty if they know they have pushed or forced someone into a situation, and they do not make this their typical mode of behaviour.

Then there are, of course, those people who use manipulation constantly to achieve what they want and need. Manipulation often feels like being pressured, forced, or controlled, but it may be difficult to pinpoint exactly how the other person is creating this environment and making you do things you would normally not do. The reason it can be so hard to pinpoint the source of the manipulation is that the person doing it is often highly skilled in using covert tactics and even psychological strategies to make you feel unsettled, unsure, or confused about your personal beliefs. You may begin to second-guess everything or to constantly question yourself in decisions and behaviours.

“The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.” — Philip K. Dick

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Flattery is one of the most often used tactics to manipulate others. People use flattery, praise, and compliments to make the other person feel good. What they also do - and let’s differentiate between heartfelt, honest praise, and manipulative flattery - is create a sense of indebtedness. You may feel you owe that person simply because they said something nice to you and you most certainly don’t.

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Guilt-tripping is another very popular tactic to manipulate. Most of us enjoy traveling, but I don’t know anyone who enjoys being taken on a guilt trip.

A guilt trip is designed simply to induce an unpleasant feeling of guilt in another person, in order to manipulate that person into doing what the guilt tripper wants. By inducing guilt and making you feel bad about yourself, they try to create a sense of obligation to meet their demands.

The reason you might keep being played is because, without knowing it, you have tipped your emotional hat and let the guilt tripper know you are an easy mark.

A simple example: Think about a dog begging for food from your table. He flashes those sweet begging eyes and cons you into believing he’s dying of starvation, and that the scrap he has his eye on is the only remedy. And here comes your fatal mistake: You give in to his manipulation and throw your dog that scrap. What you’ve trained that dog to do now is how best to manipulate you - operant conditioning in action.

The same conditioning happens in our human relationships. If you cannot stomach the feeling of guilt, you are a perfect target for a guilt-tripping manipulator. The guilt tripper, like a dog, can sniff out your weakness.

The solution is quite simple and yet needs some practice. You need to start building up your emotional muscle to avoid being taken on guilt trips. You can do this by training yourself to bear the uncomfortable feeling of guilt. At first, this can be difficult but gets easier with practice. Saying “no” and setting clear boundaries is a great start - and start small to get used to it.

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When people try to manipulate they often like to use your insecurities or vulnerabilities against you. If you are an open and trusting person, you might even have given the other person an instruction manual on how to manipulate you with those vulnerabilities. Once this information is known, they can use these personal triggers against you in a coercive and covert way, subtly controlling you while appearing to be focused on your well-being and protection.

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Gaslighting is probably the most vicious form of manipulation as it goes so far as to distort your own reality and possibly your sanity. This has been going on on an enormous scale - not only for the past years - and I have written about this in two posts quite a while back. The first one was GASLIGHTING - IT IS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE from October 2021 and the second one was SPECIAL ISSUE #57 🙉AND THE GASLIGHTING CONTINUES from April 2023. Gaslighting is essentially nothing but a continuous form of brainwashing to which not many are immune.

“The real violence is committed in the writing of history, the records of the legal system, the reporting of news, through the manipulation of social contracts, and the control of information.” — Bryant H. McGill

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This next one is something that narcissists love to do, and they are usually very accomplished manipulators. They may try and isolate you from your support network, your friends, and family. This is done to create a dependency so you will have to rely on them exclusively. It is a tool to control you and ensure you supply them with what they need from you. The only way out of that is to go no contact with the manipulator.

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Victimising themselves is another tactic manipulators like to use. They may create scenarios where they are the victim. They play on your concern for their health and well-being to have you engage in behaviours that you would not if you did not think they were in jeopardy. Typically, the manipulator stages the scene and provides their version of the story to convince you of their hurt, making the other person feel protective or even guilty for not being there for them.

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Some people use the tactic of bullying to manipulate others. These people usually use fear or aggression to make others agree, go along with, or be controlled by the bully. This fear can even be the fear of losing the other person if you do not agree or do as you are told. It is often difficult to remove yourself from these manipulators on your own and there is no shame in seeking the help of others, especially as these bullies can get violent.

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One of the more subtle methods is the emotional manipulation. This can be tricky to spot when you are emotionally involved and love and care for that manipulative person. This tactic involves using emotions like fear, anger, or sadness amongst others to manipulate your behaviour. Often it is so much easier to be manipulated by someone you love and care for as they know you so well and what buttons to push. Again the key is to set boundaries, look for support, evaluate what is happening - possibly with friends or professional help - and even consider ending a relationship if necessary.

The issue with emotional manipulation is when you realise what has happened, you can easily lose trust and respect which is very difficult and sometimes impossible to restore.

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I truly believe that we cannot avoid being manipulated and will most likely use forms of manipulation ourselves now and again. As with most things, it is vitally important to know about the different forms of manipulation, to check in with yourself, to evaluate the situations, and most importantly to recognise them as quickly as possible so you can counter them.

“So, poetry becomes a means for useful dialogue between people who are not only unknown, but mute to each other. It produces a dialogue among people that guards all of us against manipulation by our so-called leaders.” — June Jordan

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🎶My Song for you

Is this lovely song by Oh Wonder - All We Do

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem for you

Is by John Donne (1572–1631)

The Flea

Mark but this flea, and mark in this,   
How little that which thou deniest me is;   
It sucked me first, and now sucks thee,
And in this flea our two bloods mingled be;   
Thou know’st that this cannot be said
A sin, nor shame, nor loss of maidenhead,
    Yet this enjoys before it woo,
    And pampered swells with one blood made of two,
    And this, alas, is more than we would do.

Oh stay, three lives in one flea spare,
Where we almost, nay more than married are.   
This flea is you and I, and this
Our marriage bed, and marriage temple is;   
Though parents grudge, and you, w'are met,   
And cloistered in these living walls of jet.
    Though use make you apt to kill me,
    Let not to that, self-murder added be,
    And sacrilege, three sins in killing three.

Cruel and sudden, hast thou since
Purpled thy nail, in blood of innocence?   
Wherein could this flea guilty be,
Except in that drop which it sucked from thee?   
Yet thou triumph’st, and say'st that thou   
Find’st not thy self, nor me the weaker now;
    ’Tis true; then learn how false, fears be:
    Just so much honor, when thou yield’st to me,
    Will waste, as this flea’s death took life from thee.

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👀Impression

Another stunningly beautiful morning view from my balcony…

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Let me know your thoughts on manipulation in the comments or send me a message. I always love hearing from you.

Wishing you a grand day wherever you are.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve and feel free to get in touch