THE THREE C's

CHANGE CHOICE CHANCE

Tanja Boness

Oct 07, 2022

Human beings can be amazing! We can be amazing in so many ways.

We have the ability to change if we choose to and with this, create new chances!

CHANGE

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy

The only real constant in life is change. How we experience change is totally up to us! The key to change is the belief that you actually can change. This may sound like a platitude but believing you can change encourages commitment to the process and certainly enhances the likelihood of success. I believe that it is the commitment to change that is critical. People can select how they want to pursue change in line with their own values and preferences. They don't need to be told how to change.

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.” — Maya Angelou

The next step is to overcome the fear of change, the fear of the unknown that may be waiting for us. So often we stay where we are because we are terrified of what will be when we follow through with the change. So repeated efforts are probably critical to change as well as maintaining a focus on the change goals.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” — Lao Tzu

CHOICE

“The strongest principle of growth lies in the human choice.” — George Eliot

So often we feel stuck in a rut and believe we have no choices. We go about our routines, snuggle up in our comfort zone and see this as our only choice, as our destiny on how we should live our lives. This can be the result of our upbringing, of what we have been brainwashed into, or simply what we believe is expected of us, just to name a few. We feel we keep going around in circles…

But is that really true or do we just use it as an excuse?

Most likely it is a bit of both. It is so much easier to put the blame on our childhood, the difficult circumstances or whatever, than take charge and with that take the responsibility for our own lives and our actions.

I truly believe in CHOICES (even the bad ones)!

“Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play.” — Willie Nelson

I have made countless bad choices in my life but just as many good and even some great ones. One choice was to NOT be a victim. I had a challenging (but not all too shabby) childhood with ups and downs (like most of us). The greatest deliberate choice I made when I was seven years old, was not to be like my parents when I grow up. I can say with absolute certainty that I didn’t and I have two amazing children to prove it. I have made some very bad choices trusting the wrong people in my life but I must admit that it has made me the person I am today, and even if I find it more difficult to trust others, I still make the choice to rather get hurt than to run around mistrusting everyone. And yes, I am one of those people who learn the hard way. When I realised that I do have choices, that I do not have to follow the same pattern (sounds easier in theory than it actually is and I constantly struggle with those patterns) it was nevertheless very liberating.

I have spoken quite a bit about comfort zones in other letters but I do not mind repeating myself once in a while (am I boring you?). These zones are so very often all but comfortable, they are wrong, painful, and at times even toxic. So why do we stay in them and even snuggle up in them, carrying them like a trophy?

We know what to expect
We feel safe within the known
We feel we have no choices
We are creatures of habit
We are terrified of the unknown outside of these zones

So what are the options or possibilities to get out of this rut?

We can embrace the unknown – takes some courage and one or the other leap of faith
Really think about what could actually happen if we change something (start small)
Analyse what other scenarios could be and what the consequences of different choices entail
Write down your daily habits and take a critical look at what is really beneficial for you and your wellbeing
Overcome your fear of the unknown and become a little more adventurous by dipping your toe outside your comfort zone (most of the time the anticipated catastrophe will not occur)

I realise it sounds so simple in theory and I know all too well how unbelievably difficult and challenging it is or can be, in reality. Sometimes we need help and support from the outside when we ourselves often have a tunnel vision on things and the emotions keep bubbling to the surface at all times. We need someone with an outside and non-emotional view and no agenda to show us other ways to approach certain situations with a fresh perspective. This can be a good friend, a relative, a coach or a therapist, or whoever. We all need help once in a while to show us that we really do have choices and to help us make the right one or at least better ones. Someone to help us make more of the good choices that help us to make our lives better, richer, more satisfying, and in the end happier.

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.” — Wayne Dyer

Just think about the choices you have made in your life so far; which ones were forced by the circumstances of your life, which were made deliberately, and which ones were made intuitively. As long as you realise that you have choices in your life, you are on the right track. Start small and practice…

It is the awareness that you have a choice that can awaken your motivation.

You can ask yourself some big questions, such as:

Why do I think that way?

Why do I act that way?

Could I have done that better and how?

What do I need to learn for the next chapter of my life?

Why is it important to me?

Again it is the realisation that we have a choice that can propel us forward and give us the willingness and ability to change. Awareness of choice helps us to grab an oar and start rowing toward a chosen destination instead of just drifting wherever the river goes. Don't get me wrong. Drifting can be so very delightful and soothing, but when it comes to choosing change, the decision to steer is critical.

"To be in hell is to drift, to be in heaven is to steer." — George Bernard Shaw

So it is your choice to create a little bit of heaven for yourself. Of course, that's not all there is to successful change (that would be much too easy), but the awareness of choice could be the first step towards willingness to start down the path.

CHANCE

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” — Walter Anderson

Change can sometimes feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life! Why are so often afraid of taking chances? I am not speaking of those people who do nothing else BUT take them, risking everything all the time, or adrenaline junkies. I am talking about regular average everyday people (like me) who miss out on amazing chances because they do not dare to take that leap of faith.

“Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” — Mary Tyler Moore

I have taken a lot of chances in my life, and believe me when I tell you that many of these left me heartbroken, crushed, frustrated, sad, humiliated and some even downright depressed. Do I regret having taken those chances? NEVER! There were also many chances I have taken that paid off and enriched my life in amazing ways. Taking a chance is always an investment. Only I don’t mean the investment in stocks, in a company, or anything like that. The investment I am speaking about is the investment in people, taking a chance with them to get chances but also to give them.

I once fell in love with the wrong man (or perhaps the right man at the wrong time) and all I ever longed for was that one chance to see where it could lead us and if we could be something together. I never got that chance and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. But not taking chances is cause for the nagging “WHAT IF’S” and these are terrible because they haunt you, sometimes for the rest of your life.

And even if it did not work out in the end, I still took a huge chance, that leap of faith anyway, and lost, without regretting any of it for a single moment. That chance brought me some of the most wonderful experiences and memories of my life and the worst heartaches ever. Was it worth it? Hell, yes! Would I do it again? I am not sure, but probably, yes!

“If you're so afraid of failure, you will never succeed. You have to take chances.” — Mario Andretti

When taking a chance and investing in people we always take a high risk. We never know if we will get our ROI (return on investment), we never know when a crash may come where we could lose everything. I have no clue about stock markets but I believe, or rather guess investing in people is a bit like investing in stocks. I know some people invest in companies because they like a product or even just the name and this can go horribly wrong and you could lose literally everything. This can be compared with investing in a person that has nothing to offer except she/he is incredibly good-looking without any other substance like a brain. If your IQ is above room temperature, you will most likely not get your ROI (of course depending on what you expect). But I think you get the point of what I am trying to say.

At some point in our lives, we begin to realise that more years lie behind than ahead of us (in my case that is most certainly true unless medicine makes some spectacular advancements…) and we don’t or we should not miss out. I am not speaking about some midlife crisis and buying a sports car or getting a boob job. I am talking about dealing with us and our lives carefully and prudently, about seizing the chances that present themselves to us and also taking one or the other risk, even at the risk of being hurt. It makes life so much more colourful and worth living, don’t you think?

I can only speak for myself but I most certainly prefer to take a chance and risk being hurt and suffering than having my life pass me by feeling little to nothing…

“I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” — Theodore Isaac Rubin

🎶My Song of the Week

Is a stunningly moving song that always reminds me that no matter what, we can change if we choose and create new chances...

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

📚My Poem of the Week

Is this beautiful poem about change by the British poet Kathleen Raine (1908-2003)

Change

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Change
Said the sun to the moon,
You cannot stay.

Change
Says the moon to the waters,
All is flowing.

Change
Says the fields to the grass,
Seed-time and harvest,
Chaff and grain.

You must change said,
Said the worm to the bud,
Though not to a rose,

Petals fade
That wings may rise
Borne on the wind.

You are changing
said death to the maiden, your wan face
To memory, to beauty.

Are you ready to change?
Says the thought to the heart, to let her pass
All your life long

For the unknown, the unborn
In the alchemy
Of the world's dream?

You will change,
says the stars to the sun,
Says the night to the stars.

👀Impressions

Is another beautiful sunset I was able to witness!

If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram and yourself, and how it can transform you and your life, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.

Wishing you a wonderful start to your weekend and I very much look forward to your feedback and comments!

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve Letter