SADNESS 😢

AND A BIT OF FRUSTRATION

In my last letter, I wrote about the passing of my father and how I found out by coincidence. I usually prefer to write about happier topics but I simply did not feel all that happy lately - but getting there again. The past few days were rougher than I had imagined or would ever have expected as I had not had any contact with my father for years.

The news of his death did not come as a surprise to me as he was after all 88 years old and had not been in good health for the past 25 years. It was how that news was delivered and all that suddenly resurfaced and swept over me like a tsunami that almost overwhelmed me. Finding out that my father had completely erased his own family - including his two daughters, three grandchildren, his sister, and his sister-in-law, all of whom wanted to be there for him in different ways at one point - from his life with such deliberation and force, replacing it with the family that lived in the same house with him was rather hard to comprehend.

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I had not realised how deep his bitterness and hatred for his own family was, which truly shocked me and I have no idea where it came from. Or perhaps I do. We did not function properly anymore - his way of living was always: “My way or the highway!” If he did not get his way, you were either punished or as in our case, completely obliterated.

This is what makes me incredibly sad and I also find it somewhat frustrating, to say the least. As I was the one who was left with the task of informing everyone in the family of his passing, I have had many conversations with all of them as well as his legal carers. The many stories that came to the surface cost me quite some sleep. It is devastating how thoroughly he managed to alienate every single member of the family in one way or the other. He was a lonely man and a stubborn one to the point of self-sabotaging. I know he believed himself to be doing the right thing and admittedly that gives me some comfort. I could state that he did not know better but that would be an insult to his intelligence.

These past days I have been - almost desperately - searching for that one good memory to remember my father by and the more I tried the more unpleasantness resurfaced, robbing me all the more of much-needed sleep.

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“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” — Ralph Marston

I was so hoping that he went peacefully and without bitterness which I now cannot quite imagine. Yet knowing my father, it is absolutely possible that this last deed of eradicating us, no one in his new surroundings knowing he had family, even going as far as to legally and by notarisation oblige his legal carers not to disclose any information to his family, even after his death, may have given him some satisfaction. Perhaps that last punishment - knowing it would hit home as we would sooner or later find out what he had done - gave him the peace he needed for himself.

I still hold no grudge against him - that would be such a waste of energy - but I will never understand why he did what he did - perhaps because I would not be capable of it - and I accept that this question, with many others, will never be answered. As sad and frustrating as that may be - at least for now - I know it is something that will fade with time.

Isn’t it strange how we sometimes tend to hold on to questions that we know will never be answered? It is so easy to give in to frustration, especially when you feel the need to understand. But once you realise - and this is probably the most important understanding of all - that you don’t need those answers or closure, it becomes so much easier to let it go in love and leave it where it belongs - in the past. It is alright to let your past define your present for a while and then you need to move forward so you can have a future.

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"Unhappy is he to whom the memories of childhood bring only fear and sadness.” — H. P. Lovecraft

Eventually, I did come up with a memory, a fairly good one, that will help drive the ugly ones away because I choose to be happy and let the past and my father rest in peace.

“Sadness flies away on the wings of time.” — Jean de La Fontaine

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🎶My Song for you

Is this stunningly beautiful song by Sam Philips - Reflecting Light. I hope you enjoy it.

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem for you

Is by the people’s poet Edgar Albert Guest (1881–1959)

Only a Dad

Only a dad, with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing little of gold or fame,
To show how well he has played the game,
But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come, and to hear his voice.

Only a dad, with a brood of four,
One of ten million men or more.
Plodding along in the daily strife,
Bearing the whips and the scorns of life,
With never a whimper of pain or hate,
For the sake of those who at home await.

Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
Merely one of the surging crowd
Toiling, striving from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,
Silent, whenever the harsh condemn,
And bearing it all for the love of them.

Only a dad, but he gives his all
To smooth the way for his children small,
Doing, with courage stern and grim,
The deeds that his father did for him.
This is the line that for him I pen,
Only a dad, but the best of men. 

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👀Impression

Hippo with one of the most soothing sounds… play it loud!

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Have you had situations where the past defined your present and perhaps even your future? How did you deal with it? I would love to know.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I always very much enjoy hearing from you.

Wishing you a fabulous day wherever you are.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve and feel free to get in touch

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