DEATH ⚰️

ENDINGS AND PERSPECTIVE

It has been a very strange 24 hours, to say the least, and I am somewhat in a daze.

I have never been very close to my father - it was just not possible. When my mother died in 2016 I hoped I could finally establish some kind of relationship with my father and my sister and I did everything to make that happen. Yet it was not meant to be which is sad but sometimes families are not biological or close. I will spare you the details - just this much; my father simply did not have any interest in his children or grandchildren even if they all wanted to be there for him in one way or the other. A relationship should always go two ways - at least at some point.

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What made the past 24 hours so disturbing is that I found out more or less by coincidence that my father had passed away mid-December. Despite the estrangement we had for years, it came as a shock, especially as the nursing home did not even know he had children or any family. It took me several phone calls to find out the exact date and that the funeral had already taken place.

I thought I had made my peace with him years ago and if I am brutally honest, as long as he was alive, that door to some form of reconciliation was still open, even if only slightly. That door is now closed forever.

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My father was a bitter man who made it unmistakably clear to everyone he had contact with that he had no family whatsoever. I suppose that is what can happen when you do not take part in each other’s lives. Families can be a strange construct.

„It is not death that man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.“ — Marcus Aurelius

When your grandparents die, it's sad and you acknowledge it. When your parents are gone, you know that you're probably next in line. It's the circle of life. Of course, with this comes the awareness of your mortality.

I've written before that there are more years behind me than in front of me and it does something to you. Your perspective changes. Important things lose their significance and other things become priorities.

My own family is small and very significant, and there is nothing more important to me. I pray that my children will never be estranged from me and that my relationship with my sister stays as strong as it is - I most certainly do all I can.

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My father made very clear arrangements and was lucid until the very end, a fact that makes me very happy. He was an unbelievably intelligent and analytical man who was unfortunately emotionally stunted and he chose to die alone. This was a very deliberate decision. His passing moved me more than I thought possible or expected. He was 88 years old and I wish I could say he led a full and happy life. I am glad though that he could go on his terms - which he made unmistakably clear - and I hope he could go in peace without any bitterness at the end.

I am not even quite sure why I am writing and sharing this and perhaps it is a last tribute to a father I never had wishing it had been different.

„The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.“ — Marcus Tullius Cicero

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🎶My Song for you

I chose this song by Lena - If I wasn’t your daughter…

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem for you

Is by the American writer and poet Linda Ellis and I very recently shared this poem with a friend.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?

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👀Impression

A photo I took a couple of nights ago, which somehow seems very fitting.

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I want my Dash to mean something and be proud of it…

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I very much enjoy hearing from you.

Wishing you a beautiful day wherever you are.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve