REJECTION 🖕

CAN BE A CHANCE FOR REDIRECTION

We tend to see rejection as something negative and hurtful - which it can undeniably be on so many levels.

In general, we take it very personally when we experience rejection no matter what kind.

It is safe to say that I have had my fair share of rejection in my life in pretty much every aspect and area possible - personally as well as professionally - and I am guessing we all have, especially in the past few years.

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Several years ago I discovered a book - nothing spectacular here - but it has been a book that I have recommended many times and that I have given my children to read at an early age. The book is by Jia Jiang and is called Rejection Proof. Essentially it is about Jia Jiang and his challenge to expose himself to as much rejection as possible in a 100-day challenge and to toughen himself against the rejection we face every day.

“Rejection is a common occurrence. Learning that early and often will help you build up the tolerance and resistance to keep going and keep trying.” — Kevin Feige

The results of his challenge were astonishing and inspired me several years ago, BP (Before Plandemic), to do my own personal rejection challenge. I tried one or the other challenges in his book, like asking to do the security announcement on a flight - I can tell you they watch you like a hawk on the entire flight when you do that - which was of course declined. I now also know that you need very special security training to read the security guidelines on an airplane from a sheet of paper - go figure.

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The reason to do this challenge is simply to learn to not take rejection so personally - at least not all of the time, as we know sometimes rejection is just that, very personal - and to get a different perspective.

I did not do the 100day Challenge like Jia Jiang but I did my share and I believe my favorite one was when I asked complete strangers if they would dance a waltz with me on the Marienplatz in Munich.

I cannot begin to tell you how often I was rejected and how many people looked at me as if I had lost all my marbles. I was about to give up and tell myself that this was what I was looking for when I decided to give it that one last try. An elderly couple were walking my way and I plucked up all my courage and just asked if he would dance with me. He declined with all the kindness he could muster for a crazy woman asking him to dance a waltz with her in a public space. What happened next came as a complete surprise - always expect the unexpected - as his wife hit him on the arm and said; „A beautiful young woman (yes, she meant me) is asking you to dance and you say no? Now, you go and dance with the lovely lady.“ I am not sure who was more shocked, me or the poor man. We both had no choice and I played a waltz on my phone, a friend took a video - which I, unfortunately, do not have any more or I would have shared it here with you - and we danced. I never much liked the waltz and am admittedly not very good at it but the wonderful gentleman was and I got lucky as he made me look rather good.

I must admit that I learned a lot from the book and so much more from challenging myself. There is always a huge discrepancy between theory and real-life experience.

I believe we can agree that rejection, a “No” usually hurts or is at least unpleasant.

But why is that actually the case? I have done several seminars on this topic and the three most common replies from the participants were always:

• The feeling of failure

• Fear of loss

• Shame

So we tend to do pretty much everything - or at least a lot of things - to not even get into the situation where we could possibly, under some circumstances, maybe, or just possibly experience rejection or a “No”.

On a side note, most people find it so much easier and want to say “Yes” and usually struggle with saying “No”. Just consider the low percentage of people saying “No” to the jab and all else that is happening right in front of their eyes. I might write about that sometime soon.

I very much used to be a people pleaser and found it difficult to impossible to say „No“ and also tried too hard to avoid rejection and I know that I am not alone.

Since we tend to take rejection very personally it leads to.....

1. we simply don't try, so we don't even ask - we might miss great opportunities

2. we dare to ask but do it so awkwardly - often through lack of practice - that our counterpart is more confused than anything else because we somehow try to anticipate how this person might react in order to then back out in time.

3. then there is the possibility that we ask something specifically and get a „No“ just as specifically.

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As I said before, we take it personally. In the moments when we receive a "No", we believe that the person resents us and we are already on the defensive! Often we then withdraw because it is simply too uncomfortable for us to bear. What we don't realise or want to be true is the fact that we got ourselves into it all by ourselves. A situation in which we feel uncomfortable.

This is exactly the behavior I've noticed in myself over and over again - and I still do, just much less frequently. But at some point, I questioned it more closely.

The first thing that struck me was the fact that most of the scenarios do not take place in reality, but in my head.

I claim - rather boldly - that over 80% of our lives take place in our heads and under 20% in reality.

We ask all those questions in our heads and tend to answer them right away.

Example: you want to inspire someone for something and want to ask if it could be interesting for them. So you go through the people you know in your mind's eye and start to select..... For some, it does not fit because they are too rich, too poor, too fat, too thin, too stupid, too smart, too healthy, too sick... or whatever. So in your mind, the rejection has already taken place - it just didn't hurt like a real „No“. But you have so far managed not to ask a single person. When we do get around to asking someone, we often pick someone who is not that important to us, someone who is most expendable to us, where it is not so tragic if we mess up. Does this sound in any way familiar?

As with many things, to bring on change you need to change the approach and with that your mindset.

Probably most important is to learn not to take rejection or a „No“ personally, or at least less personally - this seems to be difficult, but it is not quite as hard as it may appear at first!

I would like to give you a very banal example:

Ask ten people if they would like a piece of chewing gum from you. You will receive a certain amount of „Yes‘s“ and a certain amount of „No‘s“.

And now the crucial questions... Do I have the feeling that those who have rejected your chewing gum now like you less or not at all? Are you desperate or devastated because they did not want your gum? Did you go out of your way to convince them to take one? Most likely you answer all of these questions with a hard “No”. In such a situation we usually don't even think about why the gum was rejected. We just wanted to share something with others, and offer them something we enjoy.

If we would think about it, it would probably sound something like this:

1. they do not like chewing gum

2. it is not their flavour

3. they do not want a piece of chewing gum right now

4. they wear braces and are not allowed to eat gum, etc.

These are already many thoughts - too many if you ask me - on the topic of chewing gum. Thoughts that hardly anyone will have in this situation. So why do we often fail to do this in other aspects of our lives? What is the crucial difference?

The difference is in the value or significance that we give it.

When we put great value or significance to something we put ourselves in a desperate situation so much easier and quicker and the more difficult it becomes to see that we are essentially just offering a piece of gum. Sometimes we become so afraid of being rejected or failing that we may even beg and plea, becoming needy and possibly pushy pleaders.

The great thing is that we can still put great value or significance to something and not beg or plead. We can see it as what it is, a piece of gum or whatever else it is we have to offer and become a provider. It doesn't mean that we are not rejected anymore but we can redirect rejection.

1. We learn so much more from rejection than from our successes. We quickly take success for granted and once we experience rejection we need to become creative, inventive, and learn. We change and evolve!

   “The best thing we can do with rejection is to make it a learning experience - rejection is a great teacher.” — Adena Friedman

2. When we realise that we have something to offer and do not need to beg and plea others to accept what we have to offer we have accomplished a lot already.

   “I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.” — Billy Joel

3. One of the best ways though to redirect rejection is to have the courage to ask why we were rejected. You can only have understanding when you understand. The reasons might really surprise you as in many cases it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally.

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I believe one of the worst mistakes we make is not preparing our children for rejection. In our so-called modern society, children are often raised to believe that they can be anything they want to be - regardless of their abilities - simply by uttering what they want, not realising or acknowledging their boundaries and limitations. This has gone so far that they can choose to change their gender at will as well as at any age, and everyone around them has to give in to all their feelings and whims. Common sense seems to have lost its grip on quite a portion of mankind. Yet the harsh awakening comes when these children enter the real world and are confronted with reality. It is, in my opinion, the job of parents to gently and lovingly prepare children for what they should expect in life - the good and the ugly.

“It was the worst period of my life. I had all this gigantic acceptance as a kid, and all of a sudden there was this monumental rejection.” — Tommy Rettig

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🎶My Song for you

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem for you

Is by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850–1919)

Friendship After Love

After the fierce midsummer all ablaze
    Has burned itself to ashes, and expires
    In the intensity of its own fires,
There come the mellow, mild, St. Martin days
Crowned with the calm of peace, but sad with haze.
    So after Love has led us, till he tires
    Of his own throes, and torments, and desires,
Comes large-eyed friendship: with a restful gaze,
He beckons us to follow, and across
    Cool verdant vales we wander free from care.
    Is it a touch of frost lies in the air?
Why are we haunted with a sense of loss?
We do not wish the pain back, or the heat;
And yet, and yet, these days are incomplete.

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👀Impression

A wonderful drive-by photo I took recently…

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How do you deal with rejection?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I always love hearing from you.

Wishing you a happy day wherever you are.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve and feel free to get in touch