LONELINESS 😔
THE NEW PANDEMIC
I believe that there are many different forms of Loneliness!
When we speak of loneliness we should not get that muddled up with being alone – they are definitely not the same. Loneliness is usually a negative feeling that feels upsetting, sad, and even draining. Being alone or desired solitude makes you feel at peace, it restores your energy and can be used to be more creative. Having established that, let’s take a closer look at some of the different forms of loneliness.
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” — May Sarton
One form of loneliness can catch up with you when you move, start a new job, or go to a new school, simply when you come to a new and strange environment. This is a loneliness that is very familiar to me. When I was seven years old I was ripped out of my familiar environment, moved from Germany to the Netherlands and a few years later to England, and eventually back to Germany. I was sent to International Schools and I felt very much alone in the beginning and was glad to have my big sister who was my rock. At the beginning of something new, there is almost always a sense of loneliness as well as fear as you don’t know what to expect, it is this journey into the unknown.
Sometimes we get lonely when we feel we just don’t fit in. We just don’t go with the flow, are different, have a different faith, or have a different view of the world than the majority. Especially now, when you do not follow the general narrative you can begin to feel very lonely at times, at least until you find your tribe. I have said it before and I don’t tire to repeat myself when I say that in the past three years, people we re-educated from social to asocial beings, and the long periods of isolation have changed people on a deep level. People were being forced into loneliness and I am convinced that so many elderly people gave up and lost their will to live due to this painful loneliness - which to me is a scandal, highly criminal, and shows once again that it was never about saving lives or even helping anyone - except of course the ones filling their pockets.
When you look around you will find more loneliness than ever. Many do not dare to use their voice anymore out of fear of being denounced by the faithful followers of the narrative concerning COVID, climate, gender, war, etc, and the possibility of losing everything. In too many this fear runs so deep that they retreat into loneliness or unhealthy and involuntary solitude. My fear is that this pandemic of loneliness will cost a lot of livelihoods and lives if we continue on this destructive path and don’t raise our voices to fight for our freedom and our sense of community.
Apart from all that I see another horrible kind of loneliness spreading like wildfire. Perhaps it is the worst kind of loneliness which is being lonely as a couple or in a relationship. It is a bit like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey and pulling it away at the last second. Being lonely together is unfortunately not uncommon. I see so many relationships that look more like flat-sharing communities - and often not of the healthy kind. When a couple appears more like roommates, although I often experience a more intimate relationship between roommates than with supposed lovers, something is definitely wrong.
“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.” ― Kim Culbertson
When you are feeling lonely in a relationship, this loneliness can often be a result of different relational factors. And here I go again… One of the essentials is and always will be (no, I do not tire of emphasising this) good COMMUNICATION! The next one is also nothing new but just as important. Couples often forget what it is like to really spend quality time together. Pay good attention to the true quality of your time you have and make it fun and enjoyable for both. Mix it up and just take turns in planning your activities for a wider range of fun and try new things as you go, surprise yourself and your partner.
Another reason for feeling lonely in a relationship, or even a good friendship can be that you don’t feel like you are important to the other person. If you lead more or less separate lives and lose the empathy and the ability to cater to your partner’s or friend’s needs, they are bound to feel lonely at some point. Sometimes it is just a gesture of reassurance and at other times it is simply to show them how important they are to you and that you are willing to make them a priority in your life.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams
What can really make you feel disconnected from your partner is when you have completely different goals and expectations in your lives. So when you get this feeling of loneliness in your relationship, it is possible that you have neglected to notice a shift in your directions and have not revisited your goals and most likely did not do a regular fact check if you are still following a common path.
Just don’t let it come that far if you want your relationship to last and be fulfilled. And don’t be afraid to voice your needs and don’t be afraid to change something significantly in your life if necessary. Some relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, while others are. No matter what, relationships should not be the cause of loneliness.
I believe it is important to understand the reasons for loneliness so you can address and find options to alleviate it. Loneliness can be overpowering and can lead to sadness and even depression. If you feel stuck in that feeling, be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all need some kindness and help once in a while.
🎶My Song of the Week
Elearnor Rigby - The Beatles
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem of the Week
Is another by Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
The Loneliness One Dare Not Sound
The Loneliness One dare not sound— And would as soon surmise As in its Grave go plumbing To ascertain the size— The Loneliness whose worst alarm Is lest itself should see— And perish from before itself For just a scrutiny— The Horror not to be surveyed— But skirted in the Dark— With Consciousness suspended— And Being under Lock— I fear me this—is Loneliness— The Maker of the soul Its Caverns and its Corridors Illuminate—or seal—
👀Impressions
Spock with the cone of shame 🖖🏽
For personal reasons, I will be concentrating a large part of my work and expertise on helping people that have become victims of narcissistic abuse and helping them find the road to healing. I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here, go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
Have you ever felt lonely and alone in a relationship or in other situations, especially in the past three years? I would love to hear your story. Wishing you a fabulous weekend.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
Yes.
Thanks Tanja. Great distinction between loneliness and being alone. The extraverts in the MBTI profile have problems with being alone, but I suppose that it is true that you can be with people but still lonely. In our area during the COVID lockdowns, those who refused to accept the narrative felt alone and I remember that with some neighbours, there was a large gathering of those who could see that in rejecting the government propaganda, they were not alone. Up until that point, many people had thought that they were the only ones. It showed me the importance of community and being with people who share your way of thinking. This led to us establishing a local "freedom" community which is important to this day. Sometimes it is a hard search to overcome loneliness.