In a previous letter (POLITICAL CORRECTNESS) I wrote about fairy tales and the censorship of the same, how absurd that would be, and how wrong. We grow up with beautiful stories and learn soon enough that there usually is no happily ever after for most of us. I do not want to sound disillusioned, quite the contrary. I am still a sucker for tacky romance, grand gestures, and a great believer in love.
I am also realistic enough to know why the fairy tales end when the princess and the prince fall into each other’s arms – no one wants to see the work that goes into a good and healthy relationship. No one wants to see the princess in her sweat pants, with bag lady hair, and without makeup, having gained several pounds, Or the prince, who has also gained weight and the six pack has turned into a one pack, and he would rather spend the weekend on the couch than go out dancing or do something exciting with his princess.
I have written quite a lot about how to keep the fairy tale going in my series starting with a list of the “7 RULES FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP” in which I elaborated on each rule on how you can lead a healthy and respectful relationship. But of course, there is a lot more to it and the key – yeah, I know how many times I have said it and will keep saying it – is good communication. Easier said than done though.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
We all communicate differently and have our personal preferences. Especially today with the many channels that are available to us, it becomes more difficult than ever. Although I love to write and find great pleasure in my love for words, when it comes to communicating about important things, especially when emotions are involved – and trust me, I can get very emotional – I absolutely prefer to speak in person. I have good reasons why that is my preference. Especially when you write through messengers, there are so many bumps you can come across. Let’s just take WhatsApp as an example- You write someone a message and due to the settings most people have, you can
a. see when they were last online
b. see when a message has been delivered (you see the two grey check marks)
c. see when a message has been read (you see the two blue check marks)
The frustration begins when you see the person you wrote has been online but didn’t bother to read your message. This causes a feeling of being ignored, unwanted, and even unwelcome. The frustration gets stronger when you see that person has finally read your message but won’t reply. As we all do not have a crystal ball and don’t know what is going on on the other end of the phone, the frustration reaches a level where you possibly lash out and write things that you will most likely regret very quickly. It doesn’t matter that the other person was possibly just very busy or wants time to think about a good reply you deserve. You are simply helpless.
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus
But I wanted to tell you why I prefer to speak personally. It is actually quite simple. Communication to me is more than just words…
a. when you hear a person’s voice it makes understanding so much easier – you can clarify misunderstandings immediately and alleviate and even avoid a lot of frustration. The intonation says so much and if you don’t just listen to someone but actually hear that person (something most of us struggle with and I am no exception) you learn so much more.
b. the facial expression of a person says so much – sometimes more than the actual spoken words. A real smile, sadness and perhaps even anger show in a face – so much better than emojis.
c. body language is also essential. Similar to facial expressions body language says so much and is important for every communication.
Of course, we can write, and the possibilities to communicate quickly are great but they do not replace – at least when it comes to really important topics – the personal conversation.
I do understand (took me a while) why for some people writing is the easier way to communicate and I believe there are several reasons for that
a. you can sort your thoughts, edit them and bring order into what you want to say. Not everyone is comfortable and can give ad hoc answers to possibly difficult questions (although it is always – or should be – alright to ask for time to give a reply to a certain topic, just don’t forget to voice that and don’t leave the other person waiting when they don’t know what they are waiting for).
b. as you can edit what you write before sending, you can minimize the chances of regretting some of the things you put out there.
c. some people prefer to write instead of talking though because they like to hide behind the safety of their phone or computer to not make themselves vulnerable.
So if you want to communicate with someone that has different needs from yours, help each other understand why and how you can find a compromise to suit both needs.
One possibility could be if one person prefers to write and the other to talk, that you start off by writing and then talk about what was written to ensure that you are both on the same page. Or if the talking person starts off, leaving a voice message that the other person can reply to in writing. Just get creative and find ways to make yourself heard while hearing (or reading) the other person as well. And sometimes a kind word, a gesture, or even just a hug (even if it cannot be in person) can change someone’s world.
“Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people.” — Jim Rohn
And to finish what I started off with….
Even if life isn’t always the beautiful fairy tale you might have dreamed of, remember to put in the effort and the work into every relationship that is important to you, the key always being good, open, and respectful communication.
And whatever you do, don’t stop believing and loving fairy tales, but enjoy them for what they are; beautiful stories that (almost) always declare a happily ever after…
🎶My Song of the Week
Is by the amazing Lady Wray - Games People Play
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem of the Week
Is by Jalaludin Rumi (1207-1273)
Relationship Booster
Here is a relationship booster that is guaranteed to work: Every time your spouse or lover says something stupid make your eyes light up as if you just heard something brilliant.
👀Impressions
The beauty of spring…
For personal reasons, I will be concentrating a large part of my work and expertise on helping people that have become victims of narcissistic abuse and helping them find the road to healing. I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here, go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
If you enjoyed this letter, leave a ❤️ and a comment! I wish you an amazing weekend and look very much forward to hearing from you.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
What great insights you have Tanja and a reminder that in all relationships we need to be on our toes and take nothing for granted. Thanks also for the pointer to your series on 7 Rules for A Healthy Relationship. I really liked the first one and now must find the others. I think that it may be worthwhile writing as a single consolidated post, with the 7 Rules together and then some further reflections now that time has passed since you did these posts.
I don't have any idea about social media, and so have realized that it is a minefield because you can tell when people look at something and then not respond. Communication is becoming increasingly fraught. I remember not long after email became available a boss of mine saying 2 important things: 1) Don't write anything in an email that you would not be comfortable with seeing on the front page of the paper, and 2) If you receive an angry email, don't email back but pick up the phone.