7 RULES FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP 💌

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It has been a while since I published my very personal 7 Rules For A Healthy Relationship series and I frequently refer to these in my posts. I actually wrote them three years ago or drafted them then and one of my readers - thank you, Reuben - inspired me to consolidate the separate posts into one essay, adding perhaps some new insights as I go along, and here it is… It will be an unusually long one by my standards. It would most likely be possible to write a book about each one of the rules but I do like to keep it short and to the point. I do hope you enjoy it.

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Can it really be that simple? Just follow seven simple rules for a healthy long-lasting relationship? Admittedly relationships are not quite that simple but if you take a few things into account, make them conscious, and bring them into your relationship once in a while, I believe it can be.

So here are my very personal and very incomplete…

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I could just list them but I thought it might be more fun to go into a little detail on my personal 7 Rules for a Healthy Relationship, and even give one or the other practical example. So here is…

Going to bed angry can have several (unpleasant) consequences:

1. you don’t sleep well

2. the anger usually builds up and gets worse

3. it starts to eat you up from the inside

4. your next day starts badly

5. you possibly start feeling resentful toward your partner

I believe the biggest issue in most relationships is – and here I go again – SIMPLE. In most cases, it comes down to bad or even non-existent communication. And it is irrelevant if you are in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.

I think most of us know the following situation:

She/He: “Darling you look so stressed and seem to be in a bad mood. Is something wrong, what happened?”

He/She: “Nothing, I’m fine.”

She/He: “But I can see you are upset about something. Why don’t you tell me?

This can start an endless discussion that can end in a real fight leaving both in a foul spirit – your day or evening and a good night’s sleep are probably ruined.

How about trying this:

She/He: “Darling you look so stressed and seem to be in a bad mood. Is something wrong, what happened?”

He/She: “I had a stressful day today and my head is too full. I just need a little time to process and wind down. But thank you for asking and caring and be assured it has nothing to do with you.”

Of course, this works both ways so you could and should also consider a different approach:

When you see your partner in a bad mood, stressed, or you think your partner is upset how about just giving them some space?

She/He: “Darling you look so stressed and seem to be in a bad mood. Is there something I can do to cheer you up or help? Or do you just need a little time to wind down?”

So for both partners, if you tweak your way to communicate just a little your lives can be so much easier.

I know this is only one and also a very simplified example, but you understand that it really doesn’t take all that much to take the pressure out of a situation and see things from a slightly different perspective.

Communicating does not necessarily mean that you have to talk about every tiny little issue in your relationship. Very often it is just about that bit of reassurance, the reassurance that the two of you are OK.

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Sometimes we do not communicate because we do not want to burden our partner and protect the one we love from something. Always consider that it is rather patronising to think and decide for someone else, even if your intentions are good.

On a side note, going to bed angry is NEVER a good idea, no matter where the anger comes from. Depending on your own very personal coping mechanism when it is not possible to alleviate the issue at hand, there are several things you can do:

1. go for a walk or for a run

2. meditate

3. do yoga

4. write it down to at least get it out of your system

5. talk it out with yourself (don’t expect a reply)

6. call a friend

7. or whatever else may help you to sleep peacefully

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Relationships can be so very difficult and trying at times and one of the most challenging things is…

Not addressing issues you have in a relationship openly and honestly can lead to

1. those little things you don’t say to begin to suffocate you

2. the things you once found endearing to drive you up the wall

3. a small issue becoming bigger and bigger

4. the issues summing up, you risking to explode out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, and risking an otherwise wonderful relationship

5. you start feeling resentful towards your partner…

Some consequences keep showing up. We all prefer harmony and peace in our relationships. We want the happily ever after. What we don’t realise most of the time is that relationships need to be cared for to preserve them and it takes effort from both partners to make it work.

Addressing issues before they escalate is something that is so difficult for many of us, simply because often we are terrified of opening Pandora’s Box. One thing can lead to another and it can quickly turn into a blame game - which is pretty much the worst path to take.

So how do you NOT fall into that trap?

When you have an issue you want to address, make sure that whatever you do that you do not blame one another. I know how much easier it is to put the blame for a situation on someone else but in the end, it will lead you nowhere, and, above all, it is anything but goal-oriented or constructive. On the contrary, you may win a battle but you are at serious risk of losing the war.

Instead, how about trying a more constructive approach – and believe me, I know how difficult that is when emotions are involved. I am the first to admit that sometimes you just need to vent and blow your top, channel those emotions, and let them out. We cannot always be controlled and disciplined. That is ok as long as you manage to take a step back, take a deep breath, and help your partner understand – without blame and accusations – and find a solution together. Be straightforward when you have an issue, don’t beat around the bush or play games – that is just tedious – and be honest. This might sometimes be painful but see it as the infamous ripping off the band-aid quickly. More often than not you have more to gain than you have to lose.

„Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.“ — Anon

And Ladies, I know that in most cases we want to talk about pretty much everything, as we often believe that everything is important. But trust me when I tell you it is not. Sometimes you just have to deal with things and not try and change the partner you fell in love with. If you want to change and train your partner, get a puppy.

And Gentlemen, take your partner seriously, even if you find some of the issues not worth discussing, perhaps give it a second thought as it might give you a better understanding of the person you love.

Choose your battles wisely!

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Especially in long-term relationships, we tend to simply forget about…

This is a huge mistake and one that at a certain point can even lead to losing your partner. I have said and even written it many times and I deeply believe it to be true that everyone essentially needs three things to be happy:

1. be seen

2. be heard

3. be recognised/loved

Taking your partner for granted can make him/her feel like an object, like someone that doesn’t count and is just useful. Interestingly this is something that does not only occur in long-term relationships but often sneaks in very quietly and quickly if you don’t watch out. It starts with little habits and routines that make every day seem the same – a bit like groundhog day! Nothing could be worse. It becomes tiresome and can even become deadly boring.

In summary, the killers in a relationship can be:

1. constantly repeating a routine

2. boredom

3. lack of interest in one another

4. not seeing the other as someone special - which they are!

5. not listening to one another - I know men and women speak a different language but don’t stop trying to learn woman-speak or man-speak

6. not hearing what your partner is saying. You might believe it is the same as listening but I beg to differ. Listening is one thing and the first step to understanding. What is important, however, is the ability to really hear someone. Hearing the other person means taking in, understanding, and processing what is being said.

We all want to be special, especially to our partner, and to the people we love and want to be loved by. There is little that feels worse than being taken for granted when all we want is to be seen as the unique individual that we are.

Of course, some relationships – and I know this is devastating – are not meant to be forever (the happily ever after is more often than not a hopelessly romantic Hollywood story – although they rarely show the work that a healthy and happy relationship needs when the film ends). But it is ok, as long as you tried your best. And even if it doesn’t work out, treat the person you loved with kindness and respect. Sometimes feelings just do not last through changes and personal development that we all go through in our lives.

But the person you fell in love with is special – otherwise, you would not have been attracted to one another in the first place. So why not give it your best shot and make sure that you show that you care and not take the one you love for granted – at least most of the time. Think about it and look at your relationships, and your friendships and see what you can do to show you care.

As simple as the rules are, as simple as I like to keep the short explanations, if you feel something is missing (and I am sure there is a lot more to be said), just let me know your thoughts.

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I already mentioned routines in a relationship, and mixing these up a little can be unbelievably beneficial for a relationship, so try…

The everyday life with your partner, and the routines can be something so wonderful. It is that reliability you have in a relationship, that warm fuzzy feeling of coming home and knowing what you are coming home to. It is what makes you feel safe and secure.

This security can quickly become tricky as – and you have heard this before – it can become boring and even frustrating after a while – groundhog day all over again…

One of the secrets is spending quality time together. That is not always easy when you work a lot, have small children, and have many other obligations. But once in a while, you need to remember that you are not only mothers and fathers, hard workers, volunteers within your community, or whatever, but you are also a woman and man with wants and needs that need to be and should be addressed.

If you cannot do a spontaneous date night, a picnic, take a hike together, or whatever else you enjoy doing together, then plan it. Get a babysitter, put it in your calendar (that may not sound very romantic but doing nothing is even less romantic), and just make it happen. Mix up the daily routine and do something out of the ordinary, and it doesn’t need to be costly, just thoughtful.

Prepare lunch for your partner to take to work and spice it with a little love note. Just be creative, you know best what your partner loves. It can mean all the difference to sometimes go that extra mile and show how much you care… Build some beautiful memories with the one you love! Sometimes it also helps to go down memory lane and remember all the crazy things you were willing to do or did at the beginning of your relationship and bring a little of that craziness back.

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This one is probably my personal favorite – yes I admit it. It may not be the most important part of a relationship, but let’s be honest it is important nevertheless and can be so very enjoyable - otherwise, we would not make such a hullaballoo about it…

And as a tribute to one of the greatest Icons in music, Tina Turner, who passed away two days ago. I believe her song Steamy Windows is a perfect fit for rule #5

Making love to the person you are in love with and that you love is probably one of the most satisfying experiences you can have with another person and – as a side note – it is also very beneficial for your health and wellbeing.

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Melting into one another, feeling so close you become one and forget everything around you, the smell of warm skin, the touching of lips, the taste of your lover is invigorating and is most certainly one of the things that help keep the relationship alive. Unfortunately, so many partners still do not dare to speak about sex. Speaking about something so intimate requires trust and respect on both sides as well as a good portion of openness.

Often relationships are even ended due to little, bad, or even no sex. I am sure there are people that are happy to live without it or have even accepted bad sex.

But let’s face it, life is much too short for bad (or no) sex.

I have been asked how much sex per week is “normal” and I admit that the question made me laugh, as I have absolutely no idea. Also, I struggle with the label of what is considered normal in general. When it comes to lovemaking the frequency is dependent on so many factors. At the beginning of most relationships, you usually cannot keep your fingers to yourself and you are most likely a complete nuisance to a lot of people around you, showing off your infatuation constantly. After (more or less) three months, when the butterflies are not as active anymore, you will probably become less of a nuisance to your environment. With this very often the frequency of your love-making will decrease, sometimes even significantly. If both partners are ok with that it is obviously not an issue. But if one partner is not, that might be the beginning of a problem that can be avoided. Communicate with your loved one and find common ground, there is so much to gain.

But as I mentioned, sex is not everything and a life without it is possible but simply not as much fun. I know there can be circumstances when it is not possible anymore and a good and strong relationship can certainly cope with that, but I am speaking about sexually active and able adults.

If you don’t feel satisfied with your love life and are too shy to address your wishes or phantasies (which is often more difficult in a long-term relationship), why not try gently showing your partner what you would like, guide your partner, and help to make her/him a better lover and with that, yourself as well. You can try bringing some wonderfully scented oil or even some toys into the game. There is no limit to your imagination and if there is something your partner does not like, always respect the boundaries. There is absolutely no harm though in testing and sometimes even pushing these boundaries just a little. You might be in for quite a pleasant surprise.

“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

But ALWAYS accept a No as a No and not as a maybe or an invitation to try harder.

There are so many ways to spice up your love life, you just need to be a little creative and again try to remember how it was at the very beginning of your relationship when you could not get enough of one another - here also you can take that walk down memory lane with your loved one. The one thing you should avoid at all costs though is pressure. There are no guarantees that you can revive your love life if it has gone down or even away, but you will never know if you do not try!

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How much time do you want to spend with your partner? This essential question should be on the table from the very beginning – but in most cases, it is not. Most people believe these things will simply fall into place and sometimes they do. But when you meet someone who wants to be with you 24/7 and for you once or twice a week is enough, you are not only in trouble or most likely not long-term compatible - except when you are willing to very much compromise. But no matter how much time you want to spend together, I believe…

is essential.

To leave one another enough space has many different aspects. What first comes to mind is

1. Physical space – this can be important as everyone needs alone time once in a while. It doesn’t mean that your partner does not enjoy your company or loves you less. We are all different and have different needs. As always, communication is crucial.

But leaving each other enough space can also mean

2. Recreational space – you do not have to share all of your partner’s hobbies or even enjoy all of the same things. If your partner loves to play golf and you don’t, then don’t spoil it for her/him by making your loved one feel guilty. Find something else to do during that time. Don’t force your partner to do things just because you think you have to spend more time together. It only becomes an issue if you have nothing in common and nothing you enjoy doing together, but that is a  whole different story!

3. Emotional space – and this is the toughest one. We all have been in a situation when the film in our head gets the better of us and what our head is suggesting suddenly feels terribly real. Most of the time we have a handle on ourselves but once in a while, the green-eyed monster of jealousy shows its ugly and destructive face.

Cornering your loved one when you think something is wrong can be suffocating and overbearing. Approach your partner gently when you believe something is up and show you are there without forcing your help on her/him. Funny how I keep coming back to the essential – good communication.

Find out what your partner needs – it works both ways, so also what you need – and see where you have common ground and where you need to respect and accept boundaries.

Does it all sound too simple? Perhaps it does but, in the end, I truly believe it is… We make it so incredibly complicated with our expectations, hopes, and wishes…

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Do you sometimes see an older couple walking in a park or just down a street or sitting on a bench holding hands? Isn’t that just a beautiful thing to witness? These are probably people that have understood…

At the beginning of a relationship, in the honeymoon phase, you most likely will not be able to keep your hands to yourself and you have the urge to show that affection you feel almost constantly. Yes, I have mentioned it before, you will be an absolute nuisance to your environment.

But what happens when the honeymoon phase is over?

All of a sudden those endearments that seemed to come so naturally and felt essential become less important. That is normal and ok (you cannot continue being a nuisance to others forever) as long as they don’t cease altogether.

Remember the time when you first met, when the butterflies were filling your insides, when it was so easy and normal to show the little endearments and the affection you have for the one you love? It doesn’t need to be all the time and not even every day but it is so important for all of us to feel loved and cared for.

It does not always take big gestures, it’s the little ones, that little kiss, taking your loved one’s hand while walking, the way you look at your partner, or even just saying ‘I love you’ now and again. Of course, you think your partner knows but it does feel so good to hear it once in a while.

Talk about what you want and need, and as always find the common ground you have. Care as you like to be cared for… Give what you would like to receive… Keep your relationship alive and fresh… It’s work and it’s so worth it!

“I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise that you will. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it’s never too much to ask for it and that it’s not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It’s the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It’s worthy of all the hullabaloo.” — Cheryl Strayed

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🎶My Song of the Week

Is by an amazing singer, Rose Cousins - I Would Die For You. If this is something you are capable of saying to another person, it is love!

Unfortunately, there is no video of this song that I could share with you so here is the direct link to Spotify:

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem of the Week

Is another beautiful poem by E.E. Cummings (1894 – 1962)

May i feel said he

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she
(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

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👀Impressions

It is a rather intimate view into my bedroom where I have the 7 Rules for a Healthy Relationship on my wall…

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For personal reasons, I will be concentrating a large part of my work and expertise on helping people that have become victims of narcissistic abuse and helping them find the road to healing. I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here, go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.

I hope you enjoyed this consolidation and see it as a little reminder that it isn’t all that difficult to keep a relationship alive and fresh. Let me know your thoughts and feel free to share, leave a ❤️, or a ✍🏼. Wishing you a fabulous weekend.

Yours

Tanja 🤗