TRUST 🌺
AND HOW WE EARN IT
I have written about trust before and this may become a similar post. I have been thinking a lot about this specific topic lately and how I have often trusted the wrong people in my life and this trust being abused. Spoiler alert - I still give advance trust, simply because I do not want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I have admittedly become more careful though so I suppose I am capable of learning.
“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” — Albert Einstein
I am sure you all know those people that are grand with words and absolut rubbish when it comes to actions. I believe that very often these people even mean what they say and want to do all those wonderful things they promise. It is astonishing though how they often seem to manage to wiggle out of any commitment and justifying why they cannot follow through. This usually happens when they do not think things through to the end with all the consequences that come with the fulfilment of their words and promises. When people keep following that pattern of over-promising and under-delivering, they will eventually lose the trust of those closest to them and possibly end up very lonely, albeit these people often have the talent of constantly reeling new people into their lives who’s trust they can abuse.
Another way to lose trust is when we are not very clear about our commitments. It is quite interesting how often people leave a little back door open for a clean exit, being able to claim that they never really explicitly committed to anything at all and we misunderstood or came to the wrong conclusions and they feel in the clear. It could be so simple to avoid that loss of trust by only committing when we are sure we can follow through and ensuring that the other person knows exactly what the commitment entails or when something needs to change.
I am sure by now you see where this is going… In the end it is - again - about good and clear communication on all sides!
“Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” — Stephen Covey
If you want to truly earn someones trust I believe loyalty is also an important aspect. It is one thing to being loyal in front of them but much more important when they are not present. I am not saying you have to agree with everything your partner says or does, yet humiliating them in front of others is simply disparaging and disloyal. If there is an issue, it should always be addressed in a private conversation.
“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” — George MacDonald
We all make mistakes - constantly. We earn the trust of others though by being accountable and taking responsibility for our mistakes. We earn even more trust if we actually manage to learn from these and do not repeat them over and over again.
In essence:
DON’T TALK, JUST ACT!
DON’T SAY, JUST SHOW!
DON’T PROMISE, JUST PROVE!
More than all of the above, I believe that it is crucial in any relationship - be it personal or professional - to resolve conflicts. It is said that laughing is the best medicine. Laughing and having fun comes out of vulnerability. The more comfortable and safe you feel, the more you trust someone, the more you will be able to laugh with them and the more anserine you can be together. Unresolved conflict tends to create bitterness and can quickly become a coat of armour of mistrust to hide behind. Your partner becomes the enemy instead of being your ally, blocking your sense of safety and your ability to be vulnerable. If we do want to have fun with someone and be lighthearted - which is one of the greatest joys - it needs trust and the ability to resolve conflicts. Show your vulnerability. Don’t shy away from being vulnerable when you do trust someone, even if you risk that this trust could be abused. It is not worth going through life being miserable and to mistrust everyone around you.
“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish.” — Barbara Smith
The problem with trust is that once it has been betrayed, most of us will be less inclined to be trusting again the next time around. The only ways trust can be rebuilt after betrayal is when we encounter repeated positive experiences over a period of time from this person. I am a strong believer in second and sometimes even third or fourth chances, yet at some point we need to acknowledge when a person just cannot be trusted in any way and not waste anymore of our valuable time with them and remove them from our lives. I truly believe when people truly care they will do everything they can to restore trust that has been lost and prove themselves worthy again to you, no matter how long it takes.
Having said all of this I believe that the worst abuse of trust has taken place in the past years.
“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” — Charles Spurgeon
It was and is not the first time the public has been lied to by politicians and media, it is just on such an enormous scale that I still find it hard to get my head around the evil and the greed for money and power. I will not go into the details again, as I have written about it extensively and others do this so much better than me like the SONS OF ISSACHAR NEWSLETTER which is amazing, well researched and a must read. If you have not yet subscribed, I encourage you to do so.
To sum up today’s letter, I would like to once again borrow someone else’s words:
“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” — Walter Anderson
So find your people, your karass, the people you can trust, and believe that all will be good again. Good always trumps evil in the end.
🎶My Song for you
Is this great song by the legendary Billy Joel - A Matter Of Trust!
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem for you
Is a beautiful one by Edgar Albert Guest (1881–1959)
The Light Of Faith
When the dark days come and the clouds grow gray
All men must brave them as best they may,
With never too much repining;
And bravest is he, when the shadows fall,
who sees in the gloom of his darkened hall
The light of his faith still shining.
In those lonely days when his heart shall ache
And it seems that soon shall his courage break,
There is only one place to borrow;
One place to go for the strength he needs,
He must cling to his faith every wound that bleeds,
And cling to his faith through sorrow.
For truly forlorn is the man who weeps
When his dead lies buried in floral heaps
And friends his path are lining;
And a pitiful creature he’s doomed to be
If he cannot look through the gloom and see
The light of his faith still shining.👀Impression
This is trust…
What does trust mean to you?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments, leave a ❤️ or send me a message. I always love hearing from you.
Wishing you a beautiful day wherever you are.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
Change & Evolve and feel free to get in touch
This was great Tanja - so many important insights and great quotes. I particularly liked the Einstein one. Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose. Sometimes we say "yes" too easily and this leads to a loss of trust. Proabably the most important way I have seen trust lost is to betray confidences. A colleague said to me many years ago that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I reckon that this is good to keep in mind - even if as you say - you give 2nd, 3rd of 4th chances.
You rightly point to the loss of trust in government over the COVID story and this resulted in loss of trust as well in doctors who fell into line with the government. Perhaps it as President Reagan said to Gorbachev - "trust but verify".
Wonderful photo of the cats and a reminder to us of what trust looks like. I think of this each day as I take the little dogs outside - they trust that I will care for them. I suppose pets are a great way for us to learn how to build trust.