THE WORDS UNSAID 🙊

CAN BE MORE DESTRUCTIVE THAN THOSE SPOKEN

What is it about the words that never leave our lips? Why is it that we struggle with speaking these words - loud and clear - to the people that need to hear them?

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Conflict is everywhere you look if you open your eyes and ears and are willing to acknowledge it.

“Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” — Ronald Reagan

Conflict touches everything we do, and every relationship we have. At their core, all fights and arguments are the same. We are yelling, accusing, or running away. Two people avoid telling each other what they really feel and what should be said to resolve the conflict - even if it is just to realise that you share very different views. I have written so much about communication in my letters or the lack of such. Often we are so terrified of saying the wrong things that we are tongue-tied and rather say nothing at all. Sometimes we are afraid to speak our minds out of fear of negative consequences. As always, one of the issues is that we all communicate very differently and I might be repeating myself when I say that we are essentially still cavemen.

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In personal relationships, the words not spoken can at some point or another be a killer for the relationship. We often realise this only when it is too late. Of course, it is important to choose our battles wisely and not insist on talking through every single tiny issue that comes up. Interestingly enough it is often those banal little things that are blown out of proportion as we are silent about the real issue which we dare not address. There are actually several reasons why we do this.

1. Fear - we are terrified of how the other person may react. We are afraid of hurting them or even more fearing that person will think less of us and possibly even leave us.

2. We want to protect the other person - Most of the time this is an excuse because

   a. it is condescending to think and act for others

   b. we want to protect ourselves but wanting to shield someone else just sounds better.

   c. Fear - see 1.

3. We believe we are not worthy of voicing what we truly feel and need - this unfortunately happens more often than we believe, especially when the partner is more dominant and outgoing.

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I am sure there are many more reasons why there are so many words unspoken in all kinds of relationships, be it personal or professional. But the worst thing is that these unspoken words can build up to so much that they have to be unleashed at some point - usually over trivial matters. When this happens, we often resort to an absolute all-out attack that can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Reveal when you want to attack - talk when you want to run. It’s so simple and obvious and at the same time so incredibly hard. 

But what does that even mean? Reveal what is really going on inside you, don’t attack or play the blame game. Even if it makes you more vulnerable in that moment, the other person will most likely reveal what is going on with them as well - which might not always be what you wanted or expected, so be ready for that. The advantage is that you know where you stand, even if it may be painful at first. Talk and don’t run or avoid the elephant in the room. I have done all of that too often in my life, with fear holding me back and not knowing my worth. Sometimes it takes a long time to realise that most of what we believe could happen is just in our heads.

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Yet, especially in our brave new world of wokeness and censorship, it has become even more challenging to communicate as we are to be reeducated to not think for ourselves anymore and the attack on freedom of speech isn’t even hidden anymore but blatantly obvious. We are being told what we can and may say and what not. Being a woman, I like to talk and communicate and have learned that I want to say what I please, what I see, and how I see it. I will keep doing that until I am forcefully shut down. I am not special, I am not brave, I am simply tenacious, stubborn as hell, and I take my freedom back and see no reason to avoid peaceful conflict - anywhere. Also, I struggle with the concept of supervised thinking which is being imposed on us and is apparently a requirement nowadays to keep one’s passport in Germany. It appears that we are soon to return to times when, as in the GDR, we will be told: "Application to leave the country denied".

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“I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.” — Robert A. Heinlein

Now is the time for moral or civil courage. Now is the time to speak out about what we see and what is happening around us. It's the time to reveal and speak up about the madness that happens around us every day. It's the wrong time for the words unsaid - in every aspect.

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🎶My Song of the Week

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem of the Week

Is by Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Speech Is One Symptom Of Affection

 Speech is one symptom of Affection
And Silence one --
The perfectest communication
Is heard of none --

Exists and its indorsement
Is had within --
Behold, said the Apostle,
Yet had not seen!

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👀Impressions

It speaks for itself and just imagine the wonderful scent!

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Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

Wishing you a fabulous weekend.

Yours

Tanja 🤗