THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE 🫥
YES... IT'S YOU, OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD BE!
“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.” — Benjamin Franklin
The feedback I received from the post THE POWER OF NO was interesting and surprising as it seemed to have hit a nerve. Perhaps you know the phenomenon, that when something occupies your mind it tends to show up everywhere. The title of today’s letter is pretty much a give away but I will elaborate a little on it anyway.
I wrote several letters about narcissism a while back - if you missed them, here are the direct links to the four episodes:
I do believe that these posts and the one I am sending to you today are directly linked. Firstly, we often perceive that narcissists or people with strong narcissistic tendencies are deeply in love with themselves. Personally and from my experience, often the exact opposite is true. There is very little to no self love there albeit they are amazing in faking it - amongst many other things. As little as they love themselves they are not capable of loving others either - and are just as good at faking that to get the supply they need. To simplify it, narcissists are extreme takers to compensate for all they are missing in their lives.
There is no Ying without the Yang. So there are also the extreme givers, the favourite victims for every narcissist. These are often people who are always there for others, never or rarely say no, rarely think of the consequences their actions for others have on themselves, and are always the first to volunteer selflessly for pretty much anything and any cause. The motives for these actions are a moot point for the time being.
Of course, both examples are extreme stereotypes and we all know that there are a lot of shades between black and white, but after all, I am trying to make a point.
What triggered this letter was a conversation I had with a very dear and special friend of mine. He is a doctor, is dedicated to his job, his patients, his big family, especially his children, as well as his friends. We usually just chat once in while and rarely have a chance to meet in person as he is always doing something, mostly - or I would even be inclined to say always - for others.
“This above all; to thine own self be true.” — William Shakespeare
I am often worried about him as he appears to be exhausted and it is never about him, always about others. It honours him in a way, yet I believe - and he knows that - that he will not be able to continue this pace much longer. He is the kind of person that feels selfish if he just takes a well deserved break. He has not learned to say no. He never asks for help himself, and he does not make himself the most important person in his life, not even knowing how he could accomplish that. I am sure I would see him more often if I would appear needy or ask for some kind of help.
Making yourself the most important person in your own life has absolutely NOTHING to do with being egotistical or narcissistic. This topic comes up with my clients quite often and I always ask them one question: “How good can you be for others when you are exhausted, sick, or worst case, dead?” I know that may sound harsh and if you do not take care of yourself, you mental and physical wellbeing, the good you can do in this world is very limited. When they don’t understand this I usually try the rather overused “oxygen mask on the aircraft” analogy. It is a fact that you will be able to help more people if you yourself can breathe.
I had to learn this lesson myself - of course, the hard way - but not because I was such a good person but more because I was a people pleaser that wanted to get recognition and love in return for my “sacrifices”.
It is a learning process that begins with knowing yourself better and being honest about the motivation behind your actions. You can fool the whole world but it makes no sense to fool yourself. Changing our ways, especially our ways of thinking about ourselves is a process that can take time and effort, one that can even be painful at times, and I also believe it is very much worth it - at least it was and is for me as it is a continuous ongoing process. Today I try my best to find a balance, one that suits my life and the way I decide to live. It works well on most days, not so well on some, and not at all on a few.
“Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.” — Stephen Covey
🎶My Song for you
I am a great fan of Tracy Chapman and love this song - Crossroads!
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem for you
Is by the Austrian poet Erich Fried (1921-1988) and share with you the original German version as well as the English translation.
Was Es Ist
Es ist Unsinn sagt die Vernunft Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist Unglück sagt die Berechnung Es ist nichts als Schmerz sagt die Angst Es ist aussichtslos sagt die Einsicht Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe Es ist lächerlich sagt der Stolz Es ist leichtsinnig sagt die Vorsicht Es ist unmöglich sagt die Erfahrung Es ist was es ist sagt die Liebe
WHAT IT IS
It is nonsense says reason It is what it is says love It is calamity says calculation It is nothing but pain says fear It is hopeless says insight It is what it is says love It is ludicrous says pride It is foolish says caution It is impossible says experience It is what it is says love
👀Impression
Waking up to this first thing in the morning is bliss…
Are you the most important person in your life? How do you find balance?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments, leave a ❤️ or send me a message. I always love hearing from you.
Wishing you a beautiful day wherever you are.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
Change & Evolve and feel free to get in touch
An important post Tanja and I really loved the Benjamin Franklin quote, which is true. I worked with high-flying CEOs for many years and one of my observations was that few of them knew themselves. It is hard of course - to be realistic and make a true assessment but also to be kind to yourself. Ricky Nelson (who was a big US pop star in the 1960s) recorded a song called "Garden Party" with the line - "You can't please everyone so you may as well please yourself". It has resonance to your thought in your post - "You can fool the whole world but it makes no sense to fool yourself".
Loved the photo. It really is spring in Germany. Snow fell here today so we are bracing for more cold.