THE ART OF LETTING GO
And ideas to master it!
People often tell you to let go of something or someone that causes you pain, with the promise that you will feel better afterwards. It might even be true and they are probably right but most often what they don’t tell you is how to actually start the process of LETTING GO when you are simply sad, stuck in your grief and rolling in your self-pity!
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
So here is a (probably very incomplete) list of things that may help to initiate that process. Letting go is never easy, especially if it is letting go of a person you deeply love.
1. If it is actually about letting go of a person you may ask yourself: what is the difference when this person is a part of your life or if this person is not in your life any longer? A bit like a pro and con list. There are always (or most of the time) good reasons why you cannot be with that certain person any longer. Sometimes you might even be surprised that there are more con‘s than pro‘s, at least if you are mercilessly honest with yourself (which is basically the prerequisite for change and acceptance).
2. Creating a physical distance between you and the person or situation that is causing you pain can speed up the process of letting go. Learning how to let go of someone you love becomes so much more difficult when you are constantly reminded of them or even see them on a regular basis.
3. Stay away from social media! Though social media is a great way to stay in touch with family and friends, it’s the worst thing when you are going through a breakup. Don’t torture yourself by looking at photos or posts of the person you need to let go of. It is also not helpful seeing other seemingly happy couples, which can open the wounds all over again. This also applies to a situation you need to let go of. It is so strange how you notice similar or even the same things when you are sensitised to an issue - especially on social media
4. Allow yourself to grieve and let the negative emotions flow freely. This is possibly the most important part of letting go. If you try to shut out the sadness, the grief, the disappointment, the anger and pain you can get stuck in them instead of giving yourself the chance of eventually working through them. The more you try to suppress the sadness, the grief and negative feelings, the stronger they will come back to bite you in your bottom - even if you may not believe that could be possible.
5. At the same time it is beneficial to create a positive mindset or a mantra to counter the painful thoughts that are sure to arise. This can help you reframe the thoughts you have and in time can support you in getting un-stuck and moving forward again, living your life and looking into a bright future instead of dwelling on the past - something you can get hopelessly lost in it if you don’t watch out.
6. This one sounds easier than it actually is. Focus on yourself! When you think about the situation or person that caused you pain, bring yourself back to the present moment and focus on something that you’re grateful for or something that brings you joy and peace.
7. Accept that the other person may not give you an explanation or even apologise to you. Waiting for that explanation or apology from the person who hurt you will significantly slow down the process of letting go and healing. If you’re experiencing hurt and pain, it’s important you take care of your own healing, which may mean accepting that the person who hurt you will not give you that explanation or apologise to give you the closure you may hope for. And if you can, forgive - the other person and more importantly yourself! Forgiveness has immense power that you should never underestimate. It can make all the difference.
8. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Often our first response, when we are not able to let go of a painful situation or of a beloved person, we tend to criticise or even blame ourselves. Don’t go down that rabbit hole and show yourself a lot of compassion and kindness. Treat yourself with the same kindness as you would a friend in the same or similar situation.
9. Talk to someone you can really trust. If you keep everything bottled up inside, you will get you stuck and this can eventually turn into anxiety and even depression. Talk to a supportive family member or a trustworthy friend. If you prefer, you can work with a coach or therapist and talk about how you feel and let them accompany in your time of need. This can often be easier with someone who has no agenda and is in no way personally connected to you. It’s important to give yourself permission to talk about it as often as necessary.
If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram and yourself, how it can transform you and your life, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here , go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
10. Surrounding yourself with people who build you up can carry you through a lot of pain. Allow yourself to lean on loved ones and their support. This ensures that you are not isolated and reminds you of the good that is in your life.
11. And last but not least, be patient and give yourself time. Even if you follow some or even all the steps of letting go of someone or something, it takes time to heal. Grieving is normal and you need to allow yourself the necessary amount of time to feel your emotions and work through them. Show yourself kindness and don’t feel guilty if you cannot easily get over someone or something and need more time than others. Grant yourself all the time you need but do the work!
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” — Hermann Hesse
And if all fails, if you absolutely cannot let go (which is more likely that you do not want to let go), then write down your story, your pain and your despair and put it aside. Wait a couple of days and read it again as if it were something a dear friend in need wrote to you. How would you react if this was a friend telling you this story and asking your advice? A shift in perspective can sometimes help when all else seems to fail.
To summ it up:
To let go of the past can be painful and you need to make the conscious decision to take back control of the situation and of your life. Of course this can take time and some practice. Again, be gentle with yourself and celebrate every small victory you achieve along the way to healing.
The key to letting go of a relationship or a situation is facing what has happened, accepting that you can’t change it and then moving on in love and forgiveness. Once you’re able to move on and appreciate the growth that came from the relationship or situation, you may even enjoy all the good and beautiful memories you made during that time and eventually begin writing your new story.
But there is one thing you should always take into consideration. There is no right or wrong way of letting go. Everyone is different and has their own way of coping with pain and loss. This very incomplete list of suggestions on how to possibly deal with these is there to give you ideas, examples and perhaps inspiration on ways to deal with the art of letting go of something or someone or at least to get started. If you do ever get stuck, never ever hesitate to ask for help – we all do need help once in a while!
“I can’t say when you’ll get love or how you’ll find it or even promise that you will. I can only say you are worthy of it and that it’s never too much to ask for it and that it’s not crazy to fear you’ll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It’s the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It’s worthy of all the hullabaloo.”
— Cheryl Strayed
🎶My Song of the Week
This is an amazing song by Charlie Musselwhite - “No” - which I believe goes perfectly with this theme. And who wouldn’t love the dirty guitar in this piece?
📚My Poem of the Week
In this poem, „it may not always be so;and i say“, E.E. Cummings (1894 - 1962) gives us a heartfelt example of how to love even as love is leaving. It is about the awareness that you may be losing a beloved, that someone else may now be enjoying the intimacy you yourself once knew in time not far away – and yet you love...
it may not always be so; and i say
it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another’s,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another’s face your sweet hair lay
in such silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be,i say if this should be—
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands
👀Impressions
On some days Lake Starnberg is just grey and bleak on a rainy day - and yet beautiful in its very own way!
I wish you a wonderful start to the weekend!
Yours
Tanja 🤗