SPECIAL BIRTHDAY ISSUE #35 🎂
THINGS TO CELEBRATE AND AN EMPTY NEST
“It takes a long time to become young.” — Pablo Picasso
Today is my birthday so this is a more personal letter today. I know a lot of people don’t care about their own birthday as it just reminds them that they are getting older. I am 55 years today, 55 and still fabulous, and I have never been better and I truly love birthdays - even mine! Despite all that is going on I love life, am hungry for life, and I have a positive outlook on the future. Am I naive? Perhaps! I know one thing for certain; more years lie behind me than ahead of me and I am determined to make the best of them.
“Don't just count your years, make your years count.” — George Meredith
It is not only my birthday though. I completely forgot that on September 10th my Change & Evolve Letter had its first birthday and I am sending Letter #117 out to you today, not without pride, if I may say so. So far this journey has been a crazy ride with some ups and downs and it brought me more joy than I can say. Writing is my greatest joy and the interaction with my readers and listeners is what makes it so special and worthwhile. So once again, THANK YOU!
If you care to make me a birthday gift, I would love and appreciate it if you share my letters with your friends - if you enjoy them - leave a comment, give me a like or just reach out with a message!
So I am celebrating my birthday, the belated birthday of my Letter, and a massive change in my life that gives me rather mixed feelings. It is an end of a life phase that I loved very much and the beginning of a new life phase that I embrace with great joy and a tiny bit of anxiety, as the change is enormous.
Children grow up and parents are suddenly confronted with an empty nest. This may sound even cute when you first read it but people that are affected can truly suffer.
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” — Ann Landers
I would like to make it clear that I am not a psychologist, but I am a mother, and I raised my children by myself. You also need to know that empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis. But the sadness and the feeling of loss when the last child leaves home is a phenomenon that so many parents experience. I have two children myself. My daughter is now 23 and lives in England, she has built a life for herself and I could not be prouder. Admittedly I miss her very much but we are in touch regularly and have an amazing relationship that I truly cherish.
My son is 19 years old and has now also just left the nest to go to university in Austria and has grown into an amazing young man and I am in awe of him. As much as I love my children, I am not afraid of my son also spreading his wings and discovering the world for himself. But I will also confess that I was grateful that he was at home with me during the madness of COVID lockdowns and that I didn’t have to endure it alone. On top of that, my children and I really get along great without being too close. Nevertheless, now that my son has moved out as well it is a tad strange, I miss him very much and I will need to adjust. But it also fills me with joy and excitement that I have fulfilled my educational mission - very successfully - and even though I will of course always remain a mother, I have won new freedoms and I will most certainly use them.
“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.” — Melissa Marr
I have clients in my coaching practice for whom this is quite different though. Many couples and single parents focus so much on their children that they forget that they are not only mother and father but also woman and man. The result is sometimes devastating when the children leave home and the parents don’t know what to do with themselves or one another. For 18 or more years everything has revolved around raising children and now this, often only common ground is no longer there. Perhaps you have heard the expression of helicopter parents – always hovering around their children trying to accommodate all their needs and forgetting about themselves. This is usually done with the best of intentions, but forgetting oneself and sacrificing oneself completely leaves a huge gap when the children are out of the house. You suddenly realise that the children were the sole focus of your life and the only common denominator in the relationship. What now?
What often stays behind is a feeling of sadness, depression, loneliness, and grief of which mothers and fathers are both equally affected. For some parents, it can be hard to accept that their child is not dependent on them anymore and if this is not addressed properly can lead to anxiety and a loss of purpose, making it hard to adjust to the empty nest.
So why are some parents so much more susceptible to empty nest syndrome than others? Research has shown that some of the following reasons can be the cause:
Parents who struggle living alone.
Parents who have issues in their marriages or partnership.
Parents rely on their parental roles for self-identity.
Parents who see their children as a dependent.
You can imagine that when my son announced that he would be moving out, I gave this quite some thought. As with many things I believe that understanding more about empty nest syndrome will help me understand this phase of life and accept this situation more wisely.
It is often assumed that only mothers are affected by empty nest syndrome. However, this is a misconception. Both parents can be equally affected. As a rule, it only manifests itself differently.
In women, the symptoms tend to be directed inwards, while in men they tend to be directed outwards. In other words, if mothers withdraw, they may feel isolated and depressed and experience social alienation, while the father may turn to alcohol or other forms of substance abuse. It is important to take this seriously when it has been identified and to get the help and treatment that is needed.
“To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own. — Anon
I believe it is a huge misconception that parenting stops when your children are of age or have moved out. I would like to give you two examples of the dynamics here.
When my daughter was 15 she wanted to go to a party and I allowed it. The evening before the party she asked if she could go to a friend after school and from there directly to the party. When I told her to send me a short message when she was at her friend’s house and another when she was at the party she did what most teenagers do so well. She rolled her eyes! It is astonishing how many different variations of eye-rolling your children can do but I truly believe there was one that my daughter reserved just for me – the full monty of exasperation. That was the moment when I had to suppress a smile and explained, as calmly as I could to her how this will go. So I told her, ” Sweetie, it’s my job to worry about you for as long as I live (the look on her face was glorious) and it’s your job to be terribly annoyed by it. Can we agree on that?” We both had to laugh because it was just so true. I might add that she then told me that she was actually glad I was worried about her – so it was all good and I was admittedly relieved.
My daughter used to be rather messy (at some point I refused to enter her room), something that significantly changed when she got her own flat. But when she comes home, takes one step into the house and this unbelievable transformation takes place. After a few minutes of being at home and in her old room it seems as if her suitcase exploded and everything is scattered on the floor.
So I guess we stay parents, no matter how old our children are and our children stay children, especially when they come back home to us. So if we keep that in mind, it might be a little easier to let them go.
“Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.” — The Dalai Lama
There should be no shame in empty nest syndrome. We take care of our children, nurture them and do all we can to give them a great start in life. We are wired to be protective of our children so, of course, we are somewhat bereft when they leave us.
With that being said, it is necessary to move forward with the emotions and rekindle with your friends, peers, and social circle. Both partners should support each other in the process of grieving. So if you are affected or know someone, here are a few ways in which parents can cope healthily with Empty Nest Syndrome.
What is important if you are affected is to stay busy. You need to redirect the attention that you gave to your children towards subjects that make you feel engaged. Start new hobbies, connect with old friends, and make new ones to help you overcome the feeling of loss.
Most important of all is to stay in touch with your children. Sometimes I don’t hear from my daughter for some time and at the beginning that was not easy. But we talk regularly and often even more intensely than we did when she was still living at home. I am optimistic that it will be a similar situation with my son. So maintaining a close relationship is possible but respect that those young adults that you prepared for the world have to now find their own way. When push comes to shove, they will come to you if they know they can.
If you are in a relationship, rekindle the romance in your life. Don’t let the fact that you are parents determine your relationship. Remember the time before children were even in the picture? Yes, it is possible to go back to that to a certain extent.
Accept this change in your life as an amazing opportunity and be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished. If you have done a good job you will have raised independent and strong individuals that will make their way in this world. Don’t ever downplay that achievement. Raising children is a great challenge!
For myself, I can most definitely say that my children are so far my greatest achievement in life and I am so very proud of them and I am also proud of myself.
🎶My Song of the Day
This one is for my beautiful children and my endless love for them…
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem of the Day
Is my favourite poem by Maya Angelou (1928–2014)
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them, They say they still can’t see. I say, It’s in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me. Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing, It ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need for my care. ’Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
👀Impressions
They grow up so fast! Yes I am sentimental
If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram and yourself, and how it can transform you and your life, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
Wishing you a happy day wherever you are. If you enjoy my letter, share it, and leave a comment and click the heart!
Yours
Tanja 🤗
Happy Birthday and all the best!