SELF-SABOTAGE 👻

AND BEING STUCK WITH THE GHOSTS OF THE PAST

Today’s post is actually inspired by a letter I had written a long time ago to someone but never sent. I had completely forgotten about it and it fell into my hands a few days ago. I have modified it quite a bit but I believe that it is a great example of how we often tend to self-sabotage and what we can possibly do about it to change this.

There are people in our lives that have the tendency to follow the same old patterns and habits all the time, dwelling in the past, feeling sorry for themselves while doing so, beating themselves up for something that they will NEVER be able to alter, no matter how hard they are on themselves - unless of course, they actually address it and work on it. They carry their bad fate almost as a trophy and use it as an excuse for their depression and discontent in their lives. If they cannot leave it where it belongs - in the past - then it is high time to get help to overcome the past and to stop self-sabotaging.

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“I think that sometimes love gets in the way of itself - you know, love interrupts itself. We want things so much that we sabotage them.” — Jack White

Although I really believe that most people have more than one reason why they self-sabotage it could be beneficial to ask yourself a few questions.

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1. When have you been truly happy in your life? Some will find it easy to recall these moments (and that’s usually what they are - just moments) when you felt happy and at ease and some may struggle a little with this question.

2. What was different in those moments?

3. What do these moments have in common, or rather do they have something in common?

4. What are your core fears (personally and professionally)?

5. Why do you believe, these black dog days keep coming in constantly shorter succession?

6. How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

7. Are you ready and willing to address what is happening in your life and take responsibility?

Even if you do not share these answers with anyone, perhaps they can shed a little light on your situation for you.

So often we are running in circles and keep doing the same things that self-sabotage or victimise us on a very regular basis, a bit like Old Faithful at Yosemite. Answering some of the questions above can help in taking the first careful steps to stop living in the past, embracing the present, and looking forward to the future without sabotaging your life with the past. Knowing our habits and patterns, especially the unhealthy ones that keep causing self-sabotage, can help to step out of our (often very uncomfortable) comfort zone.

“I have a tendency to sabotage relationships; I have a tendency to sabotage everything. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being afraid. Useless, good-for-nothing thoughts.” — Michael Bublé

It’s quite interesting that often people justify bad behaviour, the inability to see things through, to keep promises, or just to show common decency to the sad and awful experiences of their past or things that happened to them. I am in no way trying to belittle anyone that has experienced trauma of any kind. What I am saying is that if you know there is an issue, you know there are ways to overcome them or at least to try, your life will ultimately be better. I do struggle with people that love to victimise themselves and use their past as an excuse for anything and everything simply because it is easier than taking responsibility for their actions.

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Everyone has their own reasons why they self-sabotage. For some it may be that they feel they do not deserve anything good - which is usually a relict of the past and most likely of their upbringing - for others it may be that they have a deeply rooted belief that they never had the same opportunities as others, and taking responsibility for your actions, and being accountable is too much to bear for many.

I believe that is one reason why so many are compliant with all the madness that is going on around them. It is so much easier to follow sheepishly and be able to blame others for the disastrous outcome and not even realising that they are self-sabotaging with their compliance.

It takes courage to know your flaws, your bad and unhealthy habits, to work on your past to overcome the issues that follow you into your present, and let your future appear bleak. We are often so caught up in our habits that when something good comes along we treat it with disrespect or worse or cannot even see a good opportunity anymore - self-sabotaging once again.

“The ego mind both professes its desire for love and does everything possible to repel it, or if it gets here anyway, to sabotage it. That is why dealing with issues like control, anger, and neediness is the most important work in preparing ourselves for love.” — Marianne Williamson

Knowing yourself, learning why you do what you do, and what your motivation is is key to becoming the best version of yourself. In my work with people, I have actually sent clients away when I realised that they expect miracles from me and are absolutely unwilling to put in the work that is necessary for significant change. These are the clients I could earn the most money with as they would never get real results and would keep coming back hoping for that miracle, but

a. that is not in line with my values and my personal aspirations

b. I don’t want to ruin my reputation for a few more earnings

c. it would not give me any satisfaction whatsoever.

People that are stuck in the past tend to latch on to people who validate them and when these people are fed up - which they usually are at one point - they go to the next ones. It becomes a vicious cycle that can only be broken if the person is willing to address it, even if it can be painful.

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I believe we do have choices and I have written about that. I once held on to my stories to the point where I started to bore myself with them. We don’t need to forget what happened to us or pretend it never did happen but we can choose to do all we can to cope and learn to live with these things, perhaps with some help from others, do the work and not allow the past to define our life and our future.

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🎶My Song of the Week

Just because it is an amazing song and I am a sucker for the saxophone…

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem of the Week

Is by John Clare (1793–1864)

I Am

I am — yet what I am, none cares or knows;
My friends forsake me like a memory lost: —
I am the self-consumer of my woes; —
They rise and vanish in oblivion’s host,
Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throes: —
And yet I am, and live—like vapours tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise, —
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my lifes esteems;
Even the dearest, that I love the best
Are strange — nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man hath never trod
A place where woman never smiled or wept
There to abide with my Creator, God;
And sleep as I in childhood, sweetly slept,
Untroubling, and untroubled where I lie,
The grass below — above the vaulted sky.

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👀Impressions

It had to be Lake Starnberg once again

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In what situations do you self-sabotage and what do you do to change that? I am as curious as ever.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I very much enjoy hearing from you.

Wishing you a fabulous weekend.

Yours

Tanja 🤗