I write a lot about love and about relationships and how we can do things differently to maintain both in the best possible way. In other words, I think a lot about love and love stories. I am, as I have also mentioned repeatedly, a hopeless romantic. So this letter today is about LOVE STORIES – great and small.
“Some love stories aren’t epic novels — some are short stories. But that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” — Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City
To be clear, love stories are not necessarily about two people. There are so many different kinds of love stories. My very personal love story at the moment is the relationship I have developed with words over the years, the love for writing and for poetry.
Strangely enough, I find it so much easier to write in my second language English and not in my native language German. Friends often ask me why and I suppose it is due to my love story with the English language, writing, and poetry for the past 40+ years. I have come to realise that this is the longest love story in my life so far and one that seems to be never-ending and almost perfect.
But when we hear the words love story, we inevitably think of romantic love. We think of the many books we have read, and the films we have seen, and the longing for our own great love story inevitably becomes stronger – if we haven’t found it yet.
We are flooded with the harsh and often unromantic reality of everyday life. We fight our daily battles, sometimes even for survival. It is clear that we sometimes like to escape from this with completely exaggerated and kitschy ideas.
A gigantic industry suggests to us what the perfect love story should look like and it is only natural that we want that in our lives. But we build up such pressure on ourselves and our partner (or possible partner) that these demands are simply illusory and can never, under any realistic circumstances be fulfilled.
“Love is a fruit in season at all times and within reach of every hand.” — Mother Teresa
A real love story is so much more than a cheesy happy ending. A true and lasting love story means work. Doesn’t sound very sexy and romantic, right? I have written about relationships and how to make them easier in quite a few of my letters and I don’t want to repeat myself too much here. However, there are just things that apply over and over again.
Especially we women often have a glorified idea of what a love story should look like. I experience this again and again in my circle of friends but also with my coaching clients.
They meet a really great man, and they are excited and happy (the rose-coloured glasses still fit well) but after just a short period of time, they start to (almost actively) look for the flaws. I’m not saying that men don’t do the same, but in my experience, they do it much less.
And spoiler alert, we all have flaws, actually plenty of them. But let’s get back to looking for the faults in others. There just always seems something wrong with the man they just met and when they tell me what it is I am sometimes still very much surprised.
Something just doesn’t seem right with this man, and most of the time it’s really just trivial things that you could look past. It is often the exaggerated demands but also the too-romantic ideas and expectations that make us believe that everything has to be absolutely perfect – right from the start. So many people enter a new relationship with a very clear (romantic) idea and the slightest deviation often means the end before it has even had a real chance to begin. I mentioned it in another post (at least I think I did), if you want to change your partner to fit an ideal (which is realistically impossible and doesn’t really exist) you should get a puppy that you can train to do whatever you tell it to do. If you run after an ideal, you run the risk of becoming very lonely, and your own really beautiful love story becomes more unlikely.
“For reasons which I can't logically explain, in all of the films I've done, I've ended up doing love stories of one kind or another, and it seems to me that love stories are extremely dependent on the obstacles you can place between the lovers. There is no love story without it.” — Sydney Pollack
It is illusory to believe that perfect love stories actually exist. Life is a constant up and down and so is love. Things don’t always run smoothly, but that’s exactly what makes a really genuine love story unique - it survives all (or most) of that. The beauty of a relationship is that time is not the enemy but your greatest friend. Time gives you the luxury of writing and possibly rewriting your love story as with time you can deepen your connections, keeping the relationship alive and discovering one another over and over again as you change and evolve - hopefully at a similar pace.
“Life is one big love story with hundreds of little love stories within it.” — Ram Charan
Many also believe that a real love story promises eternal butterflies in the stomach, eternal happiness, and absolute fulfillment in every aspect. That really only exists in films. Of course, you don’t have to accept everything, but you shouldn’t question everything because of every little thing that doesn’t go exactly your way. As always, it’s a give and take, and sometimes love also means letting go.
I mentioned in the beginning that there are so many different types of love stories and if you think about it, it is so true, we simply often don’t see them as such. I also mentioned my love story with words and poetry and it can be pretty much anything you love and are truly passionate about. For some, it can be sports, friendships, community work, and helping others… Essentially it can be anything that you find fulfilling and that makes you (and others) happy. It took me quite a while to really understand this and discover it for myself. I must admit though that for me, the love stories that involve other people are the most beautiful ones, even if they bear the greatest risk of causing you pain.
The great news is you can have more than one (romantic) love story in your life and perhaps you already have had one or the other. I would love to hear about it!
“It’s appropriate to have magic in a love story, because magic is a sort of metaphor for what love feels like? When we fall in love, the world feels magical to us. It becomes an enchanted place.” — Theodora Goss
What is your LOVE STORY?
🎶My Song of the Week
Is about what we all need… Good Lovin’
For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!
📚My Poem of the Week
Is this beautiful poem by the truly amazing Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919)
Time And Love
Time flies. The swift hours hurry by And speed us on to untried ways; New seasons ripen, perish, die, And yet love stays. The old, old love--like sweet at first, At last like bitter wine-- I know not if it blest or curst, Thy life and mine. Time flies. In vain our prayers, our tears, We cannot tempt him to delays; Down to the past he bears the years, And yet love stays. Through changing task and varying dream We hear the same refrain, As one can hear a plaintive theme Run through each strain. Time flies. He steals our pulsing youth, He robs us of our care-free days, He takes away our trust and truth, And yet love stays. O Time! take love! When love is vain, When all its best joys die-- When only its regrets remain-- Let love, too, fly.
👀Impressions
Also a kind of love story…😻
If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram and yourself, and how it can transform you and your life, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
Wishing you a wonderful start to your weekend and I very much look forward to your feedback and comments!
Yours
Tanja 🤗
Nabokov, too, was in love with the English language. He once said "Lolita" was about his love affair with the English language (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita).