INNER CRITIC
FRIEND OR FOE
I had the great pleasure of being invited to do a talk on “HOW CAN YOU DEAL WITH YOUR INNER CRITIC?” last week, realising once again how many people are affected by this topic and also deeply moved by it. So I thought I could share some of it in this weeks Letter.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
Our inner critic is probably one of our worst enemies and yet we often hamper and pamper it, giving it so much more space in our lives than it actually deserves. We beat ourselves up, compare ourselves to others, we judge ourselves and even sabotage ourselves. Why does it seem so challenging, so difficult to shut the inner critic out and silence it, or even make it our ally?
The power of the inner critic differs for every individual and depends on many factors. It usually starts early in our childhood and has a lot to do with shame – that can become a shame spiral of not being good enough for anything or anyone.
But where does our inner critic come from?
There are a certain questions we can ask ourselves and see what resonates with us or sounds familiar.
Were we accepted by the people around us as we are? Or were we constantly admonished and criticised if, for example, we couldn't sit still for a longer time, or questioned everything with insatiable curiosity or were simply clumsy?
Were we encouraged and challenged? When we wanted to try something new, be it a sport, an instrument – even if just on a whim or because our friends did it and we wanted to belong - were we enabled to do so?
Were we praised or blamed? Were we praised to success of shamed into failure?
Were the good things taken for granted and the bad things overrated?
Were we constantly criticised and made to feel inadequate? Did we hear sentences like; „Can’t you do anything right?“ or „What is wrong with you?“ or „Are you stupid?“
Were we strengthened and motivated? Did you hear sentences like „It’s amazing how quickly you learn, well done!“ or “WOW, you did that all by yourself? What gave you the idea?”. Was sincere interest shown?
Did we feel the need to always be better than others to be recognised or even loved? Did we have to earn to be loved, feeling we always have to go that extra mile and be better than the others?
How we deal with sexuality in childhood also plays a big role in how we deal with it as adults. Was it talked about openly, was it seen as a normal and important part of life, was one educated by parents or at school or by friends, or worst case by pornography?
How we deal with death also plays a role here. Was it seen, sad as it may be, as an inevitable part of life or was it something that was not spoken about?
A part of the inner critic is characterised by the suppression of all taboo topics.
I believe that this is the basis for the power that the inner critic has over us in our life and very much determining how we live our life.
How is our inner critic nourished?
But also in later life as we grow up, our inner critic is nourished again and again – today more than ever, especially through social media and the constant presence of any kind of media. We are shown an ideal (that does not even exist) at every turn that really no one can possibly live up to.
It is suggested to us that we are
not good enough, not smart enough
not slim enough
not good looking enough
not lovable enough
simply not enough…
if we do not fit into a certain norm or fulfil expectations. However, it is not only the great expectations that affect us from the outside, but above all our own, completely exaggerated expectations of ourselves that cause us enormous problems and constantly feeds the inner critic.
We are programmed to react so much easier and stronger to negatives, often even finding it difficult to accept a kind word or a heartfelt compliment. There is a quote from the film Pretty Woman that describes just that so perfectly (minute 1.18) how we often feel.
And how can we silence our inner critic?
The first step to reduce the volume of the inner critic is to become aware of what it is trying to tell us. Unfortunately the messages the inner critic sends us are often in our subconscious.
The beliefs of the inner critic that we have internalised since childhood often run subconsciously and it is not always easy to make ourselves aware of these. I have been working on this with many of my clients, using the Enneagram which is a great help to begin to recognise and grasp these recurring patterns and habits that we have been following almost religiously. And when you recognise an enemy, you can find ways to defeat it. We suddenly have the chance to reduce and even take away the power the inner critic has over us.
If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram yourself, and your inner critic, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here or go directly to my website.
What follows is possibly the most difficult part in silencing our inner critic. To get out of this spiral of negativity and self loathing and belittling ourselves, it is essential to rephrase what the inner critic is telling us and making ourselves aware what our strenghts and abilities are. In theory it always sounds so easy but we are often fighting something that has been a huge part of us for decades. And let’s not forget that in silencing the inner critic, we take something essential away – the excuses! I will not go in too deep into that but I have experienced people that say they want to change something but are
a. not willing to put in the effort and the work
b. prefer to keep their excuses and become or stay a victim
But back to those who really want to change something. So instead of doubting ourselves we can change the narratinve and have an inner dialog telling ourselves that we are
good enough and smart enough
in a perfect body
beautiful
lovable
simply enough…
and we are special and it is a good thing that we do not fit into a certain norm. Celebrate your uniqueness!
Working on your weaknesses vs. playing on your strengths
We are usually taught to work on our weaknesses an overcome these instead of strengthening our strengths – which is
a. so much more fun
b. so much more satisfying.
The funny thing is that when you play on your strengths, is that you suddenly have a sense of achievement, which in turn strengthens your self-confidence and thus compensates for your possible weaknesses, making these less relevant.
Unfortunately, as I have repeatedly mentioned now, the messages that our inner critic sends us very often run subconsciously. It is all the more important to bring them into our consciousness so that we can take away their power over us by rephrasing them.
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”
— Marilyn Monroe
I suppose we all have our inner critic and it can even be a good thing, something that encourages us to become better, to work on ourselves without belittling ourselves, allowing us to grow. It might sound like a contradiction to what I wrote before – to not work on your weaknesses or shortcomings – but both is possible in the end. If you imagine you inner critic like the angel and devil sitting on your shoulders and the dialog they might have, helping you decide if the message you are hearing is worth listening to or if there are arguments against it…
Knowing what you are up against is definitely a help in silencing your inner critic and perhaps you even manage to make him an ally.
How can we overcome the inner critic?
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” — Oscar Wilde
There are several things you can actively do!
Listen and identify what your inner critic is telling you. Acknowledge that this thought process does NOT display your real point of view. Remember that your critical inner voice is NOT a reflection of reality. It is simply a viewpoint you have internalised as your own point of view based on destructive early life experiences and attitudes.
Something you can do help differentiate from your inner critic is to write your thoughts down in the second person (as "you" statements). For example, a thought like "I'll never be successful. I can't get anything right. " should be written as "You'll never be successful. You can't get anything right." This can help you see these thoughts as an alien point of view and not as statements that are true or have anything to di with reality. It can also help you to notice and bring into consciousness how hostile this inner critic can be.
And while you are writing your thoughts down, you can also respond to your inner critic by writing down a much more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself. These responses should be written in the first person (as "I" statements). In response to a thought like, "You're such an idiot," you could write, "I may find many things difficult at times, but I am competent and intelligent in many ways." This shows you a kinder, more honest attitude toward yourself.
To enable yourself to grow stronger while your inner critic grows weaker, it is important to not act on the directives that your critical inner voice is whispering to you. Take actions that represent your own point of view, who you want to be and what you aim to achieve. Your toxic critical inner voice may get louder, telling you to stay in line or not to take chances. However, by identifying, separating from, and acting against this destructive thought process, you can take away the power it has over you and eventually even silence it.
When we observe it in action, we may want to remind ourselves that our thoughts are just words and that our beliefs are just that: beliefs, not facts. They are nothing more than the unhelpful noise of our endlessly chattering minds. We are not those thoughts – we can defuse ourselves from them.
At the end of the day dealing, silencing, defeating or befriending your inner critic has a lot to do with creating good, positive habits, mindfulness and self-compassion. As difficult as it may seem, just take a first step and then one step at a time.
🎶My Song of the Week
📚My Poem of the Week
I chose a poem by my favourite Irish poet William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)
The Second Coming
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
👀Impressions
When your inner critic threatens to overwhelm you again, you should simply try and face it like this…
Wishing you an amazing weekend wherever you are.
I would love to hear from you how you silence and deal with your inner critic.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
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