FRIENDSHIP
BEAUTIFUL YET SOMETIMES SO FRAGILE
Recently I have had a, let’s call it falling out with a friend. You may say that perhaps it wasn’t a true friendship and you may even be right, although I thought it was.
I will be the first to admit that I am not easy. Another friend once described me (not very flatteringly) as a tsunami. I am loud, quick minded, thinking faster than I talk (and I talk fast), sometimes I talk faster than I think, often stubborn and stand my ground when I believe in something. I will also gladly be the first to be convinced to change my mind when someone had good arguments that are plausibel to me. I have this insatiable need to understand things and if something just won’t add up it drives me nuts - so you can imagine what the current situation is doing to me. And here I am drifting off again. So back on track… I am also very honest and straightforward which is sometimes inappropriate and can at times leads to misunderstandings. Unfortunately I do not always have the opportunity to correct this - I am constantly working on myself.
In some friendships, people are not looking for friendship (maybe I am the one that is misunderstanding the meaning of friendship), but for people from whom they can get confirmation and validation. Critical reflection and honesty, or even just an opinion are often not welcome - even if your were asked for the same. As in any relationship, you don't always have to agree in a friendship, it's always give and take. Here, too, it is indispensable that there is some sort of balance on the whole.
“Anything that takes a lifetime to build and seconds to destroy, deserves your complete attention.”
Here is an excerpt of the definition of friendship on Wikipedia:
“Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. It is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association, and has been studied in academic fields such as communication, sociology, social psychology, anthropology and philosophy.
Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection, kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, atllruism, loyalty, generosity, forgiveness, mutual understanding and compassion and enjoyment of each other’s company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. Friendship is an essential aspect of relationship building skills.”
“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” - Helen Keller
I believe that having friends in your life is one of the most valuable riches you can obtain. As with most things in life it is the quality and not the quantity that matters. In times of social media we often pride ourselves with the many “friends” or “followers” or even “subscribers” we have, sometimes forgetting that they can never be a substitute for true friendship.
In my youth, my Sturm und Drang period, I was probably so cool that I could have peed ice cubes.
Wherever I went, people knew me and liked having me around. On the street I was greeted by everyone (ok, perhaps not everyone) and I thought I had many of friends and felt so important. Maybe that’s the way it is when you’re young, inexperienced with this attitude of self importance or just being fat headed.
In the course of my life most of these people (I very deliberately do not call them friends) have left my life – and that is a good thing.
“Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.” - Jean de La Fontaine
I have learned some very hard and painful lessons in my life and in my daily practice as an iEQ9 Enneagram Practitioner, it helps me to integrate these lessons into my work.
If you would like to connect with me I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here or go directly to my website.
As I moved around a lot in my early childhood years, I do not have the classic childhood friends, as they moved all over the world as well. At the age of twelve I was not much of a letter writer (internet or social media were nonexistent and if I believe my children it was a time when dinosaurs still roamed the earth). But I made a few wonderful friends in my life and one or the other is even still there (I have known one of my best friends for over 32 years) and I am proud of that, cultivating and appreciating these friendships so much. They are people I can always rely on, people who are not only in my life when I am well and thriving. They are not good-weather friends that abandon you when you are in need.
“There’s nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” - Unknown
Now this is my favorite quote on friendship! But friendship also means saying ‘no’ sometimes. A real friendship is like any good relationship you have in life. You experience ups and downs and you have to put in the effort to keep it healthy and alive. Friendships, like many other things in life, are about balance – not about settling scores. But it is a give and take and if a friendship gets out of balance and stays out of balance, you should take a close look and reevaluate, making a reality check.
Sometimes you don’t even notice that someone in the friendship takes proportionally much and gives proportionally little. This sneaks in at some point as a self-evident fact and becomes the “normality”. This is when it becomes unhealthy and even toxic. It is a challenge to realise this and even more difficult to restore the balance. It is not impossible but it requires the desire and will to make this friendship whole again from both sides.
Some people, some friends are only meant to accompany us for a certain period of our lives and others remain faithful to the end. Here, too, it is similar to love - feelings may change and sometimes die…
I am simply grateful for everyone that touched my life and gave me the opportunity to learn and grow, to change and evolve.
🎶My Song of the Week
This is so worth watching and listening to. Play it loud and simply enjoy!
📚My Poem of the Week
I chose this beautiful sonnet about friendship by William Shakespeare (1564–1616), “To Me, Fair Friend, You Never Can Be Old (Sonnet 104)”
To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I ey’d,
Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold,
Have from the forests shook three summers’ pride,
Three beauteous springs to yellow autumn turn’d,
In process of the seasons have I seen,
Three April perfumes in three hot Junes burn’d,
Since first I saw you fresh, which yet are green.
Ah! yet doth beauty like a dial-hand,
Steal from his figure, and no pace perceiv’d;
So your sweet hue, which methinks still doth stand,
Hath motion, and mine eye may be deceiv’d:
For fear of which, hear this thou age unbred:
Ere you were born was beauty’s summer dead.
👀Impressions
This was taken on a beautiful autumn walk almost exactly two years ago in Kreuth at Tegernsee with a dear friend that has deeply impacted my life - I am forever grateful.
Wishing you a beautiful weekend and make sure you spend quality time with your friends, letting them know you care.
Yours
Tanja 🤗
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