DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING? 🤪

IMPOSTER SYNDROME OR PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT

Do you know that feeling when you think everyone around knows what they are doing? That feeling that everyone seems to have a plan and have things all worked and figured out - everyone except for you? I can assure you, I know that feeling all too well. But what's really interesting is that many people feel just like that at some point in their lives. Nobody (or at least almost nobody) has it all worked out or even working for them, even if that is very difficult to believe. I do believe though that some people are just better at hiding their insecurities - I suppose that is what it boils down to.

You think you are the only one who feels like an imposter, that you are faking it. I can definitely assure you you are not! You may have heard the saying "Fake it 'till you make it!"

When I started this Newsletter a little over two years ago, it took me all the courage I could muster to publish the very first Letter. I was riddled with insecurities (and often still am), thinking that what I might have to say would not be good or interesting enough for anyone to want to read it. In the beginning, when someone unsubscribed from my newsletter I took it almost personally and all the self-doubt resurfaced. Considering that this is actually the 200th Change & Evolve Letter going live today I can say that it has become so much easier, as with many things that you just keep doing. My mantra is that I will keep writing as long as I enjoy it and of course, I very much enjoy feedback (the good as well as the not-so-good) and the interaction with my readers. But I am getting a little off-topic.

“At the core of imposter syndrome is a fear of not being good enough. This might not be there all the time, but when it occurs, you seriously doubt yourself and your capabilities and feel incredibly insecure.” — Dr. Jessamy Hibberd

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Imposter syndrome was first described by two clinical psychologists – Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes – in 1978 when they noticed that their female students were full of doubt about their abilities and accomplishments. The idea of imposter syndrome has emerged over the past several decades as a way to explain the self-doubts and questioning that occur when people finally achieve the success they’ve desired for years - especially in women.

“Each time I write a book, every time I face that yellow pad, the challenge is so great. I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.” — Maya Angelou

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We all experience imposter syndrome, or our specific insecurities differently. For some, it may emerge when their own field of productivity is minimised by others. Often we see what others have achieved and the belief that we can never get to that level manifests and can then even become a reality. Essentially it is the nagging feeling of not being good enough, not having done enough, not having achieved enough. We question not just our particular occupation or area of accomplishment but also the knowledge we’ve gained in that sphere. We even question our usefulness.

“When I won the Oscar, I thought it was a fluke. I thought everybody would find out, and they’d take it back. They’d come to my house, knocking on the door, “Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.” — Jodie Foster

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We observe those who succeed more than us and our reality becomes distorted akin to watching Hollywood’s output of unrealistic success stories making us feel inferior as we ask ourselves; ‘How do they perform like that?’

So what can we do to alleviate imposter syndrome or our own insecurities? I believe there are several ways to approach this.

The first and to me most important one is to not keep comparing yourself to others! Of course, there will always be people who make more money, win more awards, or consistently receive praise from those in their workplace or volunteer group. Someone may have more subscribers than I do and receive more feedback. So instead of looking for that validation from the outside look for self-validation from within. Suddenly your mindset and your perspective shift and you’ll be less likely to feel that what you’re doing and how you’re doing it is a sham or irrelevant.

Taking pride in your own knowledge and ideas is something you should consider. Often, as in my case, our upbringing did not allow for this. It is that moment when you receive praise for something you have done or an idea you have had that you feel undeserving, that you feel like an imposter. For me especially this was motherhood. I believe this is actually a great example for explaining imposter syndrome.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, pretty much everyone around me told me how wonderful it is to be expecting and the deep love of a mother towards her unborn baby. This absolutely terrified me. I was sure that I would be the most horrible mother ever. I did not feel any of this. Yes, there was some excitement, I loved to feel when she started kicking inside me, I took good care of myself but it was all so theoretical. What did I know about being a mother, especially as I never had a role model? I felt like an imposter and was afraid I would ruin another person’s life. When she was born and first put in my arms, I knew for the first time in my life what pure and unconditional love is. I knew at that moment that I would do anything for this little being without question. So, the love was there and this is where the Hollywood movie would most likely end. But of course, this is where life begins. As I was raised multilingual, I made the decision to give my daughter the opportunity to grow up with two languages - German and English. I was the one, as we were living in Germany, who would only speak English with her, and I did this from the day she was born so I would condition myself to do it. The reactions of my environment were very unexpected. My motivation was to gift my daughter with a second language that she would not have to struggle to learn at a later point in her life. The main reactions were as follows

a. You are trying to show off your great language skills - never felt any need to prove that to anyone

b. You are overloading your poor child - she was like a sponge and it came easy to her, as it did to her brother as well

c. She will be confused and mix up the languages - never happened, actually, she knew very quickly that she would speak English with me and otherwise German. Admittedly both replied to me in German from a certain age but they did understand all I told them. My daughter even went to university in England and is living there to this day.

d. She will be slower in learning to speak - absolutely not!

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And some more variations of the same. Fortunately, I stood my ground in that case but I was doubting myself a lot (as in many other aspects of being a mother). On a side note, most of those who belittled me and even ridiculed me in the beginning for my decision later on applauded me for giving my children a second language.

We are not born as mothers and fathers, we learn as we go along and we make mistakes and are insecure and sometimes we feel like imposters. I believe this is just one example of many and that at one point or another, we all suffer from imposter syndrome, even if we do not always realise it.

Today I am proud of my children and the wonderful young adults they have become and I know that part of that was my doing.

So, rather than allowing ourselves to be defined by the number of achievements we earn, our salary, or those awards for our own creations, we should take more pride in what we do as an expression of our own abilities. The less we define ourselves by the attention we get from others, the more we can derive self-respect from within.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face” — Eleanor Roosevelt

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What also feeds into imposter syndrome is the need for perfection and the fear of never being perfect enough. The result is that on top of fear and the feeling of being an imposter, shame can become a predominant feeling in your life.

Suddenly you can hear this shaming voice: "You're not who everyone thinks you are." And in an effort to burrow into your psyche, that insecurity finds a home in your already well-established fear. It appears like no one has known who you really are for years. The persona you created for emotional survival, now could easily morph into that person who is terrified of being found out. This is one way an imposter syndrome can be created and manifest itself.

If you are one of those perfectionists and believe you are never enough, challenge your perfectionism. Develop a hobby in which you force yourself to begin at the beginning — risk, laugh, and accept messiness. It can help make the learning process fun again and remind you how you used to enjoy learning. Maybe you can again. You could also just make a list of your own strengths and your vulnerabilities and strongly claim what is your expertise. When you can do this, you don't have to be the best at everything. Knowing the dynamics of your triggers is key. Where did you learn this strategy to have to be perfect? Making connections with your past when you may have begun to camouflage your vulnerabilities and strap on a perfect-looking façade can shed a huge light on how you're trying to emotionally survive today.

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We are all imposters in one way or another or at some point in our lives. We use the knowledge of others, and the resources of others, we use the things we hear, see, and experience to shape our days, our professional lives, and even our relationships.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

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🎶My Song of the Week

I chose this stunningly beautiful song by Brandi Carlile - When You’re Wrong

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem of the Week

Is by Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-1889)

My own heart let me more have pity on

My own heart let me more have pity on; let
Me live to my sad self hereafter kind,
Charitable; not live this tormented mind
With this tormented mind tormenting yet.
I cast for comfort I can no more get
By groping round my comfortless, than blind
Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find
Thirst’s all-in-all in all a world of wet.

Soul, self; come, poor Jackself, I do advise
You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile
Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size
At God knows when to God knows what; whose smile
’s not wrung, see you; unforeseen times rather — as skies
Betweenpie mountains — lights a lovely mile.

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👀Impressions

Autumn mood at Lake Starnberg

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Have you ever experienced imposter syndrome? In what aspects and how do you deal with it?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I very much enjoy hearing from you.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve