CAN WE LOVE TOO MUCH? 💖

WILL TOO MUCH LOVE KILL YOU?

Do you remember a game we once used to play with daisies - "he loves me, he loves me not or she loves me, she loves me not..."? Plucking away one petal after the other, always hoping that the last petal would be the "he or she loves me". If not, we usually start over until we achieve the desired result. Thinking about it, I suppose it was more of a girl’s thing...

So the question I am pondering is: Is it even possible to love too much?

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We always hear that there is not enough love around and that love is everything. We are told to be loving, even to love everyone.

But can loving too much become addictive, unhealthy, or even dangerous?

Definitely yes! I believe that there are different ways to love too much and you might have guessed that every single one of them is unhealthy or even toxic.

Let's start with one of the worst ways of loving too much, a love that is not real and can become not only unhealthy but downright dangerous for the recipient of this love. It is the kind of love where the person of interest knows nothing of being loved and does not reciprocate it in any way. We know this kind of love and loving too much from fans of celebrities. Unfortunately, it is not limited to that. There are people, today who are called stalkers, who believe they are in some kind of relationship with the person they love, regardless of whether that person even knows that the stalker exists. This can also happen when a relationship is ended by one and the other is incapable of accepting this, going into absolute denial and believing that the relationship is still intact. If the stalker feels the love is not returned or the person of interest has another, a real relationship, this obsession can become potentially dangerous, as it can spiral into the opposite. I will not go into the ugly details of this though.

For a short while in my life, I had a stalker and it was a terrifying and scary experience. It is something that makes you feel utterly helpless and at a certain point leaves you constantly feeling unsafe. Thankfully that lies behind me and hopefully, I will never have to experience anything like that again.

“Sometimes when you open up to people, you let the bad in with the good.” — Freddie Prinze Jr., She's All That

Another form of loving too much is when you believe that in a relationship two have to become one. A relationship as I see it should always be a give-and-take in some form.

It should also be possible that the balance can and may change again and again depending on the situation. But there is often an imbalance in a relationship and that's when it usually begins to become unhealthy. This often happens when one partner feels insecure or something has happened. Often it is the fear of losing the partner, the fear of being alone, losing financial security or social standing. Then you start to put your partner on a pedestal and do everything to please him or her. You start to push your own identity more and more into the background, walking on eggshells and doing everything for the other person. Often when this happens these people truly believe that they are doing this out of love, they start loving too much or overcompensating. Unfortunately, the result is usually that the beloved partner takes this behaviour for granted or loses respect and, at some point, the love. This permanent imbalance in a relationship is toxic and someone who gives up their own identity for another person in order to please at all cost will sooner or later resent this person unless they did not have their own identity, to begin with, or have had a life long struggle with self-worth.

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“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” — Ernest Hemingway

What can you do to not fall into that toxic trap of loving too much or not seeing a relationship for what it really is?

I believe that people show you who they are rather quickly and we should learn to trust our instincts and not go for wishful thinking. It’s important to see the red flags - which you need to define for yourself, know the general ones, and recognise them - to avoid them. When you try to save a toxic relationship or an abusive person, that is actually more of a trauma response. When people show you who they truly are, believe them, and do not put all your effort into changing them. Often we hear people asking to give the benefit of the doubt and for me, this is simply saying that you are disrespecting your own boundaries in the hope or unrealistic belief that change is possible.

If someone is not making an effort to learn even the smallest details about you, you should be worried. A relationship needs balance and most of all…. COMMUNICATION. But not just any communication. It is about quality and not quantity. I believe I have written extensively about this.

At the end of the day, your relationship and love don't need to make sense to anyone except you and your partner as it's not a community project. But if it only makes sense to you, you should be worried about loving too much and not being on the receiving end of the relationship.

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I always made it quite clear that I do not really want to be in a relationship with someone who needs me. Don't get me wrong, we all need others now and again and that is actually quite a good thing and I have said these words before myself. What I am talking about here is different though. I want a relationship with someone who WANTS me with all his heart but doesn't need me to validate himself. Of course, it can be nice to be needed but isn't it so much better to be truly wanted? Often when someone loves you too much they tell you that they cannot live without you. Would it not be so much more pleasing to hear someone say that they do not WANT to live without you? As always I speak only for myself.

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"When you tell me that you need me, I don't feel loved but obliged to be your crutch." — Unknown

And then again. love for me is what makes the world go round, what makes life worth living. It should perhaps just not be too much or go in an unhealthy direction! As with so many things it is about balance and knowing when to hold on and when to let go. When you love, do it with passion and when you let go, do it with grace.

“I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No... not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening. but love that...overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture.” — Viola, Shakespeare in Love

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🎶My Song of the Week

I love Freddy Mercury and had the privilege of seeing him live in one of his last concerts. I thought the song Too Much Love Will Kill You goes perfectly with today’s letter.

For more good music, go to this Spotify playlist where you can find all the songs from the Change & Evolve Letters!

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📚My Poem of the Week

Is by A. E. Housman (1859-1936)

Shake Hands, We Shall Never Be Friends, All’s Over

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all’s over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All’s wrong that ever I’ve done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here’s luck, good-bye.

But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame’s to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I’ll be there.

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👀Impressions

A wonderful walk by Lake Starnberg…

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Have you been in a situation where you loved or were loved too much?

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or send me a message. I very much enjoy hearing from you.

Wishing you an fabulous weekend.

Yours

Tanja 🤗

Change & Evolve