ARE YOU PLAYING THE LEADING ROLE?
OR ARE YOU THE AUDIENCE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?
We are often so caught up in life that we seem to actually miss out without realizing that it is passing us by. We sometimes play a supporting role or just even the extra instead of the leading role.
„We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.“ — Earl Nightingale
It is so wonderfully explained in this scene of the film “The Holiday” - admittedly one of my go-to romcoms when I am in need of cheesy and happy endings.
1.34 the leading lady or the best friend!
I am someone who is unbelievably hungry for life – the good and the ugly (admittedly I do very much prefer the good but apparently one does not come without the other). Life has thrown so much at me and now and again I was overwhelmed and on the verge of simply giving up. But I was always part of my own life and trying my best to somehow live it to the fullest, not giving up and to be the leading lady in my life – with one very big exception that in retro perspective I cannot understand how I ever let it come that far…
There were 4,5 very long years in my life when I was not in it, I was a bystander and at a certain point, I lost myself so completely that I was just somehow functioning, trying to get from one day to the next and survive. I was in an extremely toxic relationship at the time, one that exhausted me mentally and even made me physically ill. It was almost a bit like sleepwalking in a nightmare 24/7. This relationship lasted six years and the first 1,5 years were ok but what followed was just a living nightmare – a life with a narcissist of the worst kind. He even tried to turn my children against me and that is when I finally woke up from that nightmare. I will spare you the ugly details but if you want to know if you are in a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, here is some information that might help to identify this: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/. Thankfully my experience lies very long behind me but sometimes I still react sensitively to even a hint of narcissistic behavior in others.
So I really know what it is like to not live your life and just be an audience of your own life. But how can this happen? One way I just explained from my own experience, but there are several other ways to fall into that trap.
We grow up and are told that the needs of others are more important than ours, that we should be pleasant and aim to please. Depending on your personality you may take this a little too serious – and I find this statement to be downright wrong and destructive. I am not saying you should be a selfish idiot that doesn’t care about anyone but yourself – there are enough out there already – but you should know and feel that you are and should be the most important person in your life. That is a concept that many – especially women and mothers – struggle with.
Responsibilities – and it doesn’t matter if they are self-imposed or if they developed over time. These can be responsibilities on the job, at home with your partner, with children, social life, community, care for a relative, etc. Sometimes they just pile up and you do all you can to juggle all the balls and not drop a single one. It can be terrifying and exhausting and it is so easy to get lost in that process.
So how do you go from being a bystander of your life to taking over the leading role in your life again? This is as always very different for every individual but I believe the first step is to realize what is actually going on in your life and if there is something you would really like to change – which is probably the easiest part. Changing something and taking charge is a process that can take time, depending on how you deal with certain issues. What makes the whole process so difficult is that we are masters in fooling ourselves that there are no options, that there is no other way to live.
If you would like to connect with me, find out more about the Enneagram and yourself, how it can transform you and your life, I would be happy to take the time for a speed coaching call that you can reserve right here go to my website or simply hit reply and get in touch with me directly.
Some people manage to get out of that rut by themselves, some with the help of friends and family, and others find it easier to do this with a stranger – a therapist or coach. There is no wrong way to go about taking charge of your own life again and sometimes it is trial and error. It is just important that you do it, at your own speed and with the means that suit you.
„You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.“ — Jim Rohn
It is quite a liberating feeling to play the leading role in your own life again and not watch it pass you by.
🎶My Song of the Week
Is one that my daughter introduced me to, Scorpionfish by Beatenberg.
📚My Poem of the Week
Is one by Federico García Lorca (1898 – 1936)
Ditty of First Desire
In the green morning
I wanted to be a heart.
A heart.
And in the ripe evening
I wanted to be a nightingale.
A nightingale.
(Soul,
turn orange-colored.
Soul,
turn the color of love.)
In the vivid morning
I wanted to be myself.
A heart.
And at the evening's end
I wanted to be my voice.
A nightingale.
Soul,
turn orange-colored.
Soul,
turn the color of love.
👀Impressions
I used to travel a lot and this is a view that has become rather rare…
Wishing you a happy weekend and make sure you play the lead in your life!
Yours
Tanja 🤗